ramblings from a thursday evening.

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please appreciate this super artsy picture from my photo booth.

i call it 'jeff! come over here + put your arm around me!' :

jeff + i are completely obsessed with the gilmore girls. right now we are watching the one with the rory + the dean + the opening of the dragonfly inn. have you seen it?! season four? i'm totally siding with lorelai on this one! like, rory! what? also dean! what? i'm equal parts angry + so, so sad that rory is so lost + confused.

anyways.

today was my day-off from the retail world (falalala!) + i went to the bookstore in search of a highly recommended parenting book then felt overwhelmed because inadequacy! sleep training! emotions! how to be like a parisian! + ended up in the kids' section with my large soda. of course i bought a hard copy of wonder + made an amazon order for where the wild things are. currently these are the only items i have for my child but what more do you need? (...crib, swaddles, carseat, burp rags...). oh! and my breasts! i have those too! books + breasts! i. am. set. 

also. i feel like these two things should be noted :

i saw the martian today alone. a movie by yourself in the afternoon is the best way to treat yo'self. you can arrive uncomfortably early to make sure you catch all the movie trivia questions + previews  (joy with j-law looks so good). it was so! good! + surprisingly so funny. also i cried like five times.

i had the craziest hankering for a roasted veggie burrito today which is weird because where did that come from? let it be known that it was the best burrito i've ever had. ever.

the end. 

a picture of jeff bashfully holding a baby...

that is all.

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this was taken on saturday up in logan! we had a pseudo-family reunion/cousin gathering + played on a red neck waterslide until it was dark. well, to be fair, i totally wimped out + stayed in my sweats the whole time + mooched sandwiches, pizza, and red vines off everyone. EVERY PARTY NEEDS A POOPER, okay? 

it was so fun. jeff always comments how much i hit the cousin jackpot + i'm just like, I KNOW, RIGHT?!?! i actually LIKE all of 'em. not just 'you're family so i have to endure you + i guess i love you?" type like but LIKE like. like, i'd want them all as my friends even if we weren't related. 

mushy gushy, mushy gush. 

when i said i'm not moving...

...i really meant it.

besides a completely necessary trip to the grocery store + old navy (the sales! 50% of dresses!), i have made camp on the couch.

this is labor day, people : 

in the comment section, please tell me what a beautiful sort-of-aware sleeper i am. 

also how much you love my pillow because it is my pride + joy,

 thank you very much targè. 

p.s. bachelor in paradise!!!!!! god bless america. 

marathon-ing // in which i talk for one mile about meghan trainor + pee in the woods.

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 (the funny part about this picture is i felt like i was FLYING. literally thought i was going so fast. i later watched the video jeff took + almost choked laughing at how slow i was actually going.)

well, by the pure grace of god, caffeinated energy chews, old kanye west jams + amy poehler's audiobook yes please, i finished the marathon. despite the whole getting-up-at-three-a.m. part + the where-are-the-bathrooms? part + especially, especially the why-does-everyone-here-have-amazing-legs aspect, it wasn't that bad.



i ran the race with my avery-friend! unfortunately her knee started acting up during the downhill parts + we separated for the last quarter. in the dramatized movie reenactment of my life, this part will be extremely heart-wrenching + maybe she will die or something + then everyone will hate me + quote lilo + stitch to me, "ohana means family. family means no one gets left behind" + then i will turn to alcoholism and dog fighting to mend my aching heart + guilt + it will. be. tragic. also, in the movie, i will win the whole marathon or something + have thick blonde hair. you know, to keep it accurate and raw.

in actuality, i looked back + gave her a thumbs up + a nod + then called her like, five minutes later. but, you know. hollywood.

ANYWAYS. i finished the race with a lady named leigh who started telling me how much she loved meghan trainor + due to pure exhaustion, i started to have all these really deep + well thought out opinions about her + her impact on society + yadda yadda yadda. where did this come from?! I DON'T KNOW! i'm convinced something happens to you when you're beyond exhausted; for me, it was not caring at all if people saw me peeing on the side of the road or singing out loud to my music +, evidently, talking ad naseum about meghan trainor.

we finished the race + i hugged leigh + then hugged this old man i didn't know + jeff just stared like, what the h-e-double hockey sticks happened this morning? it was all a blur.

now i'm nursing a foot injury + a nasty sinus infection + binge watching the office. i don't feel one bit bad about it because I RAN A MARATHON! i can binge watch netflix + eat bagels + beg jeff to bring me bubbly beverages if i want to! i'm hoping i can drag this out for a bit. at least until i get pregnant because i plan to not move for nine months. (cue evil laugh) i'm hoping to do another one but maybe this time actually train because holy shiz, what was i thinking?

p.s. this is coming to you from my fixed laptop! bless you little apple angels! they even cleaned it up + everything! it was sooooo dusty + dirty. the guy at the store asked me what i did for an occupation + i told him i worked in a saw mill + he sort of, kind of believed me. it was that bad.

p.p.s. look at the sunrise!!! if i were a different person, i would be like THIS WAS SO WORTH THE PAIN! or maybe like WAKING UP EARLY = WORTH IT. i wouldn't go as far to say THAT, but it was pretty.

jobs i think i would enjoy ---

aerobics class instructor (i just want the headset, really).
pedicab operator (as long as the weather wasn't too hot).
professional yelper.
morning talk show host.
late night talk show host (no offense, mr. midday).
radio dj but no songs! just me! talking!
dog walker.


also, for your enjoyment, my first selfie stick attempt :

you're welcome.

p.s. do you robe?
       i robe.
       my friend + i were talking + we think there's a correlation between people
       who ROBE and people who TUB. i firmly believe in both.

september the first.

- - - - -
status of laptop : dead.
status of diet coke fast : done.
woof.
- - - - -
September the First has been quite an uneventful day, but i'm telling myself that this is not indicative of the rest of september just like the fact that we didn't cut the cake or throw (retrieve?) the garter at our wedding is not indicative of the rest of our marriage. or is it? i think it shows that we are party poopers or rule breakers. but mostly i think it shows that i hate forced attention. am i on to something here?

it started at the post office where i dropped off some packages of various sorts to be delivered + had a conversation with the man working about handwriting (most that mine is shockingly bad). we laughed over illegible notes that we've written to ourselves + then i made a joke that we should be doctors. not because we are smart but because we have bad handwriting! 
that joke fell flat + the conversation ended right there. womp, womp.
then i got to wondering : MAYBE he had hopes + dreams of being a doctor but vomited at the very thought of blood + now it is a tender, tender subject. or something.
you know what post office man, I RELATE! i wanted to play catcher in softball because SITTING but i'm left handed + apparently that's an issue? SOLIDARITY.

then i drove by sodalicious + how can you drive by sodalicious without getting a soda? it's practically illegal, i tell you!

then on my way home, i passed the amish store kiddy corner from my house + thought TODAY IS THE DAY I GO IN THERE. they had all the butters (FIG! apple! marsmallow!). they had all the syrups (blueberry! pecan pie! cinnamon peach!). they had pickled everything (beets! corn! eggs!). and they even had amish hats for $25. also there was an old man sitting out front in a rocking chair + i still don't know if he was being paid to do that?
(full disclosure, the bottom right picture is from an urban outfitters. selfies feel more normal there than at the amish store. you know?)

i left with medium salsa, because i am a real woman + who gets mild, anyways?, clover honey, plain jane maple syrup + the intentions of going back for a sandwich special + a hat. because duh.

also i caught up on my real housewives of orange county. shannon beador. why do i like you so much? you're crazy. also bachelor in paradise. also after paradise. ...i'm going to go outside now...

now i'm sitting here typing this waiting for jeff to come back from his manly night watching ant man with friends. i think he is going to bring me back subzero ice cream because he just GETS me (...and i texted him : HI! will you bring me back some subzero ice cream tonight? to which he responded : Sure. But delete this text so I can pretend it's a surprise and I get you.)

SEPTEMBER THE FIRST, i declare you over.

because i know you want to know about my day --

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it has been a full 72 hours since i last had a diet coke. you want to know what? i feel horrible. i've had an ongoing headache + literal daydreams about filling up a large 44 oz. at my corner 7/11.

but anyways. today my computer died. just DIED!
i was subbing (yes, subbing. as the ancient proverb says : Idle Hands lead to Too Much Money Spent at Target) in a jr. high computers class + had some serious intentions of editing a wedding + watching 'when harry met sally' + then poof! dead! bye! black screen, frozen keyboard, no remedy. apple care awaits me tomorrow which might mean i need to break my diet coke fast because LONG LINES! oh. and also nordstrom...

so then i was just stuck! no computer! in a middle school classroom full of hormones and screaming and hugging and hitting and the misuse of eyeliner which meant that i had to ask all of my usual suspects for texting about their feelings on the vmas + kanye west for president. oi.

my thoughts : i think he started strong! like, i'm going to apologize for my wrongdoings + also shed light on why i am so passionate about the music industry (justin timberlake's tears!) + throw in an anecdote about my daughter and then mush. poof. fart. he lost his train of thought and was just like...ummm...now what? and then someone was like 'KANYE FOR PRESIDENT!' and he was like, stage fright?! who am i kidding!? i am yeezus! yes! that! kanye 2020.

poor kim. her face said it all : please. stop. get him off the stage. keep smiling. stop. smile. no. no. no.

anyways! THE DAY MUST GO ON, as they say!

and now i am watching bachelor in paradise and regretting not getting fries with my chick fil a salad because who doesn't suffer from fry regret? i either regret getting them or i regret not getting them. such a fickle lover, those fries!

p.s. send prayers for my laptop, please and thanks!

p.p.s. while were in nashville (more on that later because it was so glamorous and so fun and NASHVILLE!) we didn't have a full length mirror so jeff had to take a picture of every outfit i put on. what a good sport! that is love! also he chopped up all the onions today. what a romantic, that jeffrey. 

p.p.p.s. most probably thought my boobs looked great in this shirt and wanted it immortalized. THE MORE YOU KNOW! 

hi! on a thursday!

hello from a thursday morning! i am currently sitting in my purple muumuu drinking my fourth diet coke of the day. whoops. if we are being super honest, i have spent the last hour googling ben higgins (new bachelor!), birth stories (...i know nothing. i am fascinated.)(also SIDE NOTE : like, so many people get their makeup done before they give birth because of pictures. YES QUEEN!) and new zealand competition eater (HAVE YOU SEEN HER?!?! she eats FIVE POUNDS of ramen!). also bios of teen mom because janelle.

this week was exciting + by exciting, i mean i had to go to the lady-doctor twice.
i actually kind of like the lady-doctor + feel oddly confident with my legs stirrups. hahhaahaha. i'd like to take that back.
anyways, when i walked into his office it was floor to ceiling covered in tribal garb. like, FLOOR TO CEILING. rugs, blankets, statues, beads, oil paintings. at this point i was still feeling uncomfortable so i told him that my husband was a native american + offered him the five tidbits i know about his tribe (MICHIGAN! CHERRIES! TURTLES! CASINO! ...CHERRIES?). he ate it up.

when i went in again, he had a few students with him who were observing (who did not find any of my jokes about seeing my underparts funny?) + proceeded to tell them that i was a full-blown native american + asked if i played lacrosse? because the native american in me would be great at it? have i been to a pow wow? how often do i visit my tribe? i gently reminded him that it was my husband, not me, who was a native american but he t o t a l l y didn't hear me / ignored it + continued to ask questions so i just rolled with it + retold the story of pocahontas as my own. by the end of it, i was basically an indian princess with an open back gown.

this all reminds me of my 19th birthday party (it was a surprise! SURPRISE!!!!!) when i walked in + a boy who was in my class + who i interacted with basically every day shouted "EMILY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" + i was very, very confused because WE TALKED EVERY DAY! hahahah. it was too late to correct him. emily it is.

anyways, my family is coming today which is exciting. i need to clean + sort out some self-tanning blunders.
HAPPY THURSDAY!

r i g h t now //

right now i am :

* wanting to know my future. just a glimpse. considering calling a psychic.
* sweating my brains out. utah. so. hot.
* spending all the time i can with my paigey poo.
* absolutely, positively destroying my skin with all this sun time.
   woops. fifty year old me will be a leather purse.
* trying to do yoga again? ...get back to me on that one. hahahah.
* resisting the urge to drive thru mcdonald's every. single. day. for a soft serve ice cream.
* fleetingly baby hungry.
* looking forward to being a wedding attendee again this next month!
* wondering where we will be this time next year(???). such a strange time in life.
* watching an unsettling amount of HGTV. i love you, joanna gaines!

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a visit home + ex-boyfriend contracts

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i went up to idaho for a few days last week to stock up on anklets (if you ever are in the moscow area, go to 'tye dye everything' in the back of mikey's gyros. $1 anklets in all sorts of colors plus the opportunity to scratch your head + think, 'how is this place still in business?') + good cooking. it was a SHORT visit but i left refueled, refocused + 30 pounds heavier.

ANYWAYS. thanks fam for having me! thanks idaho for the good weather! thanks random high school acquaintances for delightfully ignoring me!

warning :  this is where a rant begins...
...truly delightfully. i feel like there should be contracts handed out to people after high school graduation where you decide if you are going to be wavers or stop-and-catch-uppers or ignorers when you bump into each other in public. YOU KNOW?!

nothing is worse than not knowing. for instance : i hugged my friend's ex-boyfriend at the AT&T store because we had not established what we were!!!! WHAT ARE WE?!!?!?

also nothing is worse than becoming a waver to someone who you don't want to be a waver with. THESE CONTRACTS ARE IRREVERSIBLE. i stupidly waved to my high school gym teacher one day + now we are forever on waving terms +, let me tell you, it. is. exhausting. and stressful!

WAIT! on to something : in addition to handing out these contracts/agreements at the end of high school graduation, you should also hand them out after break-ups to your ex-lover AS WELL AS all of their family members and friends. am i right or what?!

THE END.

insta-important //

today i washed my hands like a doctor about to scrub-in
in a public restroom for no reason besides i wanted to look
important. an off-duty 22-year-old surgeon just easing my stresses
at the local target. it could happen.

i think i just looked like a girl who watches too much grey's anatomy. 
hrmph. 

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT :

getting a pedicure makes you feel 10 lbs. lighter.

three-day hair makes for the best braids.
googling 'am i mentally stable?!?' will get you nowhere.
GILMORE. GIRLS. period.

eating dried fruit + then sitting in a hot, enclosed tanning bed = bad idea.

no one on the internet wants to see a picture of your toes. post anyway.

p.s. happy second day of april! 

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thoughts on an evening walk //

i'm an overly self-critical underachiever. occasionally i will have the paralyzing thought :

WHAT IF I HAD ALWAYS TRIED HARD?
where would i be?
what if i had like, actually practiced my instrument?!
or didn't google-translate my way through spanish?!
or brushed my hair every once in a while?!?

i think i have watched too many episodes of dance moms + have convinced myself that i would have tried hard from the time i was little (like, super hard)(or had an abby lee miller-like character in my life violently berating me), then i would be a star at something. violin? ballet? soccer? reading? I DON'T KNOW NOR WILL I EVER. HOW SAD.

...but then i just flip on britney's greatest hits, keep walking + think, "meh."


BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT IF?
the end.

Because March needs a mantra...

I repeat this to myself maybe, 393,204 times a day.

IT WILL ALL WORK OUT!

///

Discuss! // BROOKE'S BRAIN

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A few matters to  discuss here at Simply Brooke (remember when I was newly married + changed the name to Simply Us for two + a half weeks? CRINGE).

1. THE YOUTH : I subbed a middle school class the other week + was told I looked like a girl on The Bachelor. I didn't know quite how to take it  BUT I, of course, took the opportunity to talk about The Bachelor freely only to be met by SHOCKED stares. A girl screamed from across the room, "YOU WATCH THE BACHELOR?!" + then started going off about how it was so weird for an adult to watch that show + WHAT?!?

...wait. WAIT! You are thirteen. It is more shocking that YOU watch that show. ALSO! I am not that old! ALSO! The Bachelor is MY show more than YOUR show. Oh. My. Goodness. Guys, I was fuming! She proceeded to insult my pop-culture intelligence by asking if I listened to Beyonce + knew the member of One Direction. HONEY! CHILD! I have like, three things going for me + a wide knowledge of all things pop-culture is one of them. I WAS SO INSULTED.

THE YOUTH!
Also! A kid in the class was named Chandler + I asked if his parents watched Friends + he had never even heard of it.
I wanted to just throw out the lesson plan + turn it into a School of Rock type lesson because HOW HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF FRIENDS?

And if you are wondering, I have seen School of Rock upwards of 3,409 times. We used to have like, five movies at our lake shack + two of were copies of School of Rock. CELLO! You have a bass!

Avery + I went to Yogurtland last night + our near identical concoctions weighed the EXACT same.

The cashier pointed it out + we were oddly excited. TWINS.

2. WHAT DO I WATCH : I feel lost without Friends playing constantly in the background. What do I watch, people? Gilmore Girls? More Dance Moms? Help.

3. WHAT DO I EAT + DO : I always need to be moving. Except for when I'm binge-watching something/if Real Housewives of Anywhere is on, in that case, I'm good. I blame my hyper-activity on undiagnosed ADHD + too much caffeine. Maybe. I just get bored so quickly staying in the same place + always want to GO, GO, GO! 
Anyways, last night around midnight I started booking hotels + planning trips for spring.
The line-up includes short trips to Vegas + St. George with a trip to Idaho, Arizona, California, + GEORGIA in the mix.  I should not be trusted during the wee hours of the morning. Officially. BUT! I am so excited!
I need help, though. Where are some good places to eat in St. George, Arizona, +/or Vegas?
Also how do I dress for humidity?
Also how do I watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills online?

HELP ME!

4. LADY GAGA AT THE OSCARS : I LOVE THE SOUND OF MUSIC! In my dreams, I am Liesl Von Trapp + I only communicate through telegrams. Stop. Ha. She's the original mega-babe. But LADY GAGA. I was so happy! She looked so normal + wasn't in a giant egg + sounded SO GOOD.

5. MY BUDDIES GOT ENGAGED : My brother-in-law Kevin is ENGAGED to my friend Kenna + I am still so happy about it. The end. Also they're getting married in Tennessee + I keep talking about it to everyone. It's fine.

6. LEMONADE HURTS COMING THROUGH THE NOSTRILS : I was sipping a Chick Fil A sugar-free lemonade while perusing Cotton On WHILE talking to my sister. Multi-tasking. She was recounting a funny story from this summer involving in which I got TAKEN OUT by a skim boarder (hahahahah) + I was laughing so hard that I started gasping for air + lemonade was getting everywhere. Sorry Cotton On.

7. SALMON + HONEY + CHILI POWDER/CHIPOTLE + FRIED BANANAS : Yum. Made it tonight. Yum.

...the end. But also I just popped on Gilmore Girls out of curiosity + I think I found the answer to number two. I'm ultra excited that the harp player in the pilot is the teacher from The Lizzie McGuire Movie...also I'm just now realizing what a terribly lazy movie title that was.
Almost as cringe-worthy as 'Simply Us.'
And now we're back.

Brain dump + the return of the running selfie ||

Oh. My. I just finished Parenthood last night + bawled. Has there ever been a more touching finale in the history of television? I just love Zeek so much it is actually concerning. I sat on my bed with tears streaming down my face as Jeff stood in the doorway completely confused. Ha. It was just so good! I felt closure + like, yay! Everyone is taken care of! Everything is going to be okay! But also as a self-appointed Braverman, I felt sad that I wouldn't see them again. OH! MY! GOSH! Now I want to cry all over again.

Also can we talk about The Bachelor? This season has been especially great. I feel like my hat goes off to the producers for making such good television...but now can we have a follow up show about Kelsey? Woof. When she was just staring at Ashely I. (with the eyelashes) I truly felt uncomfortable. Was that whole date centered around the confrontation? Like, what exactly were they planning to do in the middle of nowhere with just a four post bed and some wine? That dirty dog. Just kidding. But also the helicopter get-away was so dramatic and perfect. Also I'm obsessed with Kaitlyn Bristowe. Voting her for Bachelorette.

ANYWAYS! What else? I've been running more as of late. I stupidly talked my Nikki friend into running the Provo City marathon with me in May. Ha. I feel like this could segue into a whole new ramble about how Nikki is the perfect friend to talk into anything. Truly anything. I remember one time we played a game where we closed our eyes + got dropped off in the middle of nowhere with no phones and had to find our way back. Every one needs a Nikki.

Anyways, running. I feel like there is this strange correlation between running + the amount of selfies I take. Like, look at this madness (all separate days, all in the same shirt + sports bra. Different wads of gum. Laundry is hard okay?) :

Hahahahaha. It's embarrassing. Every day after I finish my run I snap a sweaty picture to myself + send it to Jeff and he responds, "Yay! Go you!" half-heartedly. It just feels right.

Anyways. The end.

TODAY || Little snippets

It feels like spring right now in Utah. Today I ran in a t-shirt + shorts + felt comfortable. Well, not totally comfortable -- I haven't ran in months + forgot how hard it is. WOOF. My legs. They burn. If you are still reading this sentence then you win a gold medal for putting up with my subtle bragging. Let me be more blunt : I WENT RUNNING! I am proud! Fitness!

Anyways : Wednesday. Spring. Utah. Why am I so skeptical of this good weather? And low gas prices? Is the world about to come to an end? I think it might be which is why I am binge-watching Parenthood at a rapid speeds. Or something.

IN OTHER NEWS : Morgan came over today + we laid on the couch with a candle burning *re-watching* The Bachelor. Also I feel it necessary to explain we were laying on separate couches + the candle was purely for smell, not ambience. In case you are wondering, Morgan does the best impression of Ashley I. (Kardashley). Please, if you ever see her, have her do it for you.

THE END.

(don't read if you don't watch Friends) // FRIENDS

HAPPY MONDAY! Don't read this post if you don't watch Friends.
- - - - -
I love Friends (the show)(...and actual friends, too). I can watch any episode at any time + audibly guffaw from laughter. I recently watched it completely through with Jeff + now he is watching it over...again. I feel like a proud parent (which is fortunate for my children because the bar is low. Indulge in my favorite TV shows + my heart might burst open with pride).

I like to pretend that I am 80% Rachel, 10% Joey and 10% Phoebe + ruthlessly try to get Jeff to see all the similarities while we watch.
See how Rachel returns everything? I ALWAYS return everything. Hey? Hey?
BUT! Jeff informed me yesterday that I am Cheryl from Season 4, The One with Ross and the Dirty Girl. Ha! I get it. I'm messy. But you see how Rachel returns everything? I return everything...

And can we talk about Ross. Particularly ROSS IN SEASON 10! Oh my word. ROSS IN SEASON 10. All caps. Again. Ross has episodes, especially in the first few seasons, where he drives me nuts + is so whiny. BUT! Then he gets better. And better. And then season ten happens + I'm falling off the treadmill watching The One Where Ross is Fine + he is making FAJITAS! Also when he plays the keyboards? I die. When he gets the spray tan? OH MY HECK. I'M AN 8!

Okay, okay, okay. I'll stop now. Or, at least, try to. I keep starting every sentence with do you watch Friends? and if that's a flop I switch to do you like The Bachelor? and if that's a flop, I realize I am talking to a person with actual depth + start to feel my palms sweat. 

I'M MAKING FAJITAS! 

Sundaze // little snippet.

When your Sunday begins eating blueberry pancakes at 10 a.m. + ends snorting brownies out your nose from laughing so hard with friends, it's a good Sunday.
(also there was about twelve episodes of Friends, multiple debriefings of The Bachelor in Relief Society, a LONG nap and fifteen Diet Cokes in between. Not complaining.)

All these things are true, AMEN.

Rules of life pt. I

Never say no to a photo-booth.
Being a people-pleaser is tiring.
Be a generous laugher + tipper.
Pebbled ice + styrofoam cups are worth the drive.
Even the most sour people like to hear their hair looks nice.
Always maximize the cha cha, real smooth part of the 'Cha Cha Slide.'
(Six seconds of sexiness, ready go!)