jobs i think i would enjoy ---

aerobics class instructor (i just want the headset, really).
pedicab operator (as long as the weather wasn't too hot).
professional yelper.
morning talk show host.
late night talk show host (no offense, mr. midday).
radio dj but no songs! just me! talking!
dog walker.


also, for your enjoyment, my first selfie stick attempt :

you're welcome.

p.s. do you robe?
       i robe.
       my friend + i were talking + we think there's a correlation between people
       who ROBE and people who TUB. i firmly believe in both.

Sometimes...

Sometimes...

I forget to wash the deep conditioning oil treatment out of my hair before shooting an engagement/proposal session. HA! It was horrendous looking.

I'm an hour and a half late to work + try to use wit and charm to make the situation better. Unsuccessfully. Also, a word to the wise : when you are running late to work, don't come in with a fresh fountain drink. It doesn't help the whole I was driving as fast as I could! argument.

I bump into people I know + love at Target (HI JESS!) + interrupt their shopping for 45 minutes by making them tell me everything I am good at + what I should do with my life...because WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

I browse homes online in all the places Jeff says he might want to live and work for hours at a time.

I plan to go on a run all day + then trip down my stairs as I am walking outside + say "SCA-REW THIS!" + walk back inside. Woops.

I play therapist to a herd of seventh graders. Guys, I am not kidding. I was running + a bunch of kids started running alongside me as a joke/dare. It was funny for the first ten minutes and then THREE MILES later I was like, wow. Commitment.

I just want to talk about The Bachelor + nail polish + Miley Cyrus + that's it. But I have to pretend to be a person of depth. Hrmph.

I decide I want a dog! A DOG! and send my landlord a five page letter about how grateful I am that he is letting us live here and what a great experience it has been and how a dog would really be a stepping stone into parenting for me + my husband and how is your mom? and yadda yadda yadda only to get a reply ONE MINUTE LATER that says, I kid you not, "No dogs." + that's it.
Oh.
Okay.

I drive through my soda dealer + they ask if I'd like my usual.

I crack my phone to the point of no return + don't realize it till eight hours later. WAIT! MY PHONE! CRACKED ALL DAY!

T H E E N D .

SHOPGIRL

Oh, the life of real employment. I missed it (the discount). 

Just kidding. But can we please start calling me SHOPGIRL? Please and thanks. 

And no, not hiding in the dressing room.

Never.

(P.S. Come visit me at work + hear my super peppy retail voice! 

Mildly horrifying but, hey.)

A double mirror selfie because, hey. I'm not above it.
And that is exactly the time of quality you get on this blog.
Don't forget it.

...also it looks like I have a twin! Like Mary Kate and Ashley. Ashley is clearly the peppier, more-fed one on the left while Mary Kate is all sad. And hungry. Mostly hungry.

THE END.

unemployed woes, but who am i kidding?

ah, the life of an unemployed twenty-year old. 

it's actually not all too eventful. aren't most twenty-year olds mostly unemployed, anyways?

but i actually made dinner today. and did all the laundry. jeff stapleton raised his brows at me + gave me a look that said, you should stay unemployed forever! 

but probably he meant, i want sex. 

ha! just kidding grandma. just kidding.

triple crossing my fingers that our children inherit his pouty lips + eyes. and also his facial hair because, woof. combine that with my hairy nature + our kids will be shaving at the age of four and i'm fairly certain we will land a TLC show with that plot right there.

- - - - - - - -

p.s. my father-in-law (dan, dan, the fix-it man!) + my jeffrey have watched breaking bad every night this week on the couch and my heart sort of melts. breaking bad is truly the bridge from father + son to heisenberg + pinkman. i'm fairly certain they will open up a car wash together here soon ;).

a story about fire and wednesdays and junior high ... SUBTITLE : today.

- - - - - -
so, today i was fired from my job.

or, sort of. it was more like a 'you aren't willing to work full-time this fall due to school // you've asked for a total of two months off this summer // what exactly do you do here anyways and why haven't we figured this out sooner?!' but i can't be too specific because i'm almost certain that i signed a paper saying that i wouldn't disclose all the details? let's just say it was one of those junior high relationships headed for dumpville -- they just beat me to the punch in blurting out, "you wear a watch with your basketball shorts and i just can't do this anymore!!" (they didn't actually say that. but in junior high i did dump a boy because of it.)

believe it or don't, this isn't the first time i was fired from a job (the h.r. man corrected me saying that i was terminated. but doesn't that sound so much worse?!). in ninth grade i worked as a concessionaire at the pool and kiiiiind of was the worst employee there. one time i even napped under a pool towel. also i think i took the 'free frozen yogurt' incentive a bit too seriously. wait, no. on second thought, that wasn't free...

i remember when i was fired, or invited to resign, rather, i found the whole thing so comical. i remember looking + thinking of ways to make this funnier. what if i just let out a blood-curdling scream? noooooo! or refused to leave? or took all my clothes off + attempted to sit on my manager's lap? one last lap in the pool? pass out? what if i pretended to have short term memory loss + came into work the next day, handing out churros + pounding down the free frozen yogurt?! my lanta.

while i didn't do any of the aforementioned, this morning was kind of comical. for starters, when i was asked to go to the board-room right away for a meeting, i kept trying to get on the internet at my desk because i hadn't checked twitter all day long + i had blogs to catch up on + the reasons for my termination are becoming all so crystal clear?

hehe.

anyways, the meeting went quickly + at one point i am fairly certain i shouted out hallelujah! + i even went as far as to say that i had been praying about what to do and they just answered my prayers, thank you thank you thank you.

i did a little skip-hop out the door + didn't look back.
but actually i did because i left my lunch in the fridge and you don't give up leftovers that easy.
oh heck no.

i feel free.
but, like. who's hiring? ;)

also it's wednesday. note to self : don't craft out a title before actually writing any content. 
- - - - - -

children are our future...and thanks to me, they will never know what time it is.

as i mentioned before, i got a new job as a teacher's aide at a nearby elementary school and oh, how i love it. i love the kids and, quite plainly, they love me. at least i hope? the girls are class A suck-ups which my self-esteem loves and the boys are the cutest and craziest and, often times, the smelliest. also some of them are going through puberty extra early which is hilarious -- the other day a boy who has a big fat crush on anyone of the opposite sex whisper-yelled to his friend loud enough for everyone to hear, "ouch, dude. my facial hair is hurting me."

you too?

today was the first day back since spring break. the teacher briefly prepped me on the lesson today and handed me a giant clock and some worksheets. 

"just review with them how to read time. they are really struggling with it."

them too? 

i may appear infallible, i know, but  reading a clock is my kryptonite (speaking of! thanks to 90's radio on pandora, i listened to that song this morning -- thank you, three doors down). i've never been good at it. i'm convinced i was coincidentally on vacation or at home faking sick every time they would teach it at school. 

but i can do this! i'm better now? right? 

i stood up in front of the class and...why are they miraculously giving me their utmost attention now?! of all times?!...started to give a long-winded speech about the importance of telling time. i wound the clock around a few times and had them repeat after me five o'clock! six o'clock! six thirty! ...what was i even saying? why were they feeding into this jazz?

i taught them some backwards way about how to figure out elapsed time. you just...think of it like money? and count backwards? then divide...and you'll eventually get there... and kept spinning that blasted clock. 

...i ended the lesson with a shrug and advised them all to get digital clocks, like now. if children are our future, i just really screwed 'em up. and this is my public apology. 

(and plus, to cure cancer, you really don't need to know the difference from 6 o'clock and 12:30, right?)

oh christmas tree, oh christmas tree...

after writing class today, i lollygagged around and tried to put off going to work. i walked around, ate a vegetable tree, mingled with people, mingled with myself, and then…ran out of things to do.

don’t you hate that? when you just flat run out of things to burn time. sometimes when i am in a real snacky mood i run out of things to snack on. like, i can’t humanly think of anything else to eat.

(speaking of: today while in the library–it’s my second day in the row there…who am i?!–i was putting off writing yet another essay and googled ‘secret menus’ at restaurants. DID YOU KNOW that you can get grilled cheeses at mcdonalds? or chicken quesadillas at chick fil a? or a smoothie that tastes like a peanut butter at jelly at jamba?! boy howdy!)

so, anyways, i walked to work and right when i walked in my bossman told me that i was assigned to make one studio more “christmas-like.”

merry first day of december for me! lucky for him i had been listening to mariah carey’s christmas station all morning long and was filled with holiday spirit.

…okay, i realize i did an entirely mediocre job BUT i had limited resources. and limited time. and limited holiday spirit (truth: mariah carey’s station got annoying quickly).

but i did it! so, on the rare chance that you tune into byu weekly tomorrow, look at the christmas tree and think of me…or just order a grilled cheese at mcdonald’s. that works too.

happy first day of december!