Rules of life pt. I

Never say no to a photo-booth.
Being a people-pleaser is tiring.
Be a generous laugher + tipper.
Pebbled ice + styrofoam cups are worth the drive.
Even the most sour people like to hear their hair looks nice.
Always maximize the cha cha, real smooth part of the 'Cha Cha Slide.'
(Six seconds of sexiness, ready go!)

Currently...

I'm sitting in a hotel room with an inexplicable Persian influence. I'm fairly certain they wash their sheets with curry powder, but I can't be sure. On the bright side, it's kiddy corner from a McDonalds + there's cable (with Bravo!) + a bathtub. I rank a Level 0.5 on the Hotel Snobbery Scale. But I am quite bored -- I am watching the premier of Ladies of London for the third time this week and over-thinking my eyebrow shape. So, let's take some stock...

BUT FIRST : I am the queen of the salad. I really am. I have no talent in the kitchen but give me a salad bowl and some vegetables, and poof! I am in my element. I made this steak salad for Jeff and I on Sunday and it was heavenly.

- - - - - - -

I've seen this post popping around the Internet. Indulge me. Also, unrelated, but is the guy from The Singles Ward movie in the new Wendy's commercial? Get that man a Hollywood star!

And now...
Currently :

Making : a giant mess of my hotel room. I take full advantage of having two beds and sprawl all the contents of my suitcase all over the place whilst exfoliating with the complimentary coffee grounds (try it!).
Cooking : nothin'. Debating walking to the store for some Honeycrisp apples + pistachios.
Drinking : Dirty Diet Coke, duh.
Reading : 'Wedding Night' by Sophie Kinsella. It was nine dollars at Costco and is a romantic comedy in book form...and, once again, it was nine dollars at Costco. It's one of those books I feel slightly self-conscious reading on a plane.
Wanting : longer hair. I think?
Looking : forward to July when my sister comes to visit me. Falalaaaaa!
Playing : a game called, 'How long can I not work out for?'
Wasting : money. Whenever I am apart from Jeff, I tend to indulge in a little/lot of retail therapy.
Sewing : ha. I actually laughed out loud.
Wishing : I enjoyed running. I talked to a girl today who is running an Ultra-marathon this next weekend because it's just 'an addiction.' WHAT!
Enjoying : this weather.
Liking : the idea of a tropical vacation.
Wondering : if Beyonce and Jay-Z are still together? What the, Solange?
Loving : Red Mango's peanut butter frozen yogurt. Yum.
Hoping : no one saw me walk braless into the grocery store twice today. Unhooked my bra a bit too early.
Marveling : at how sexy Sonja is looking on Real Housewives of New York. Also when did their intros get so bad?! "I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm ready!" "Sometimes Sonja has to go commando, what can I say?" No. Stop.
Smelling : curry powder + Coach's Poppy (I just got it in rollerball perfume. Thank you, ULTA. You are my happy place.)
Wearing : a black tee shirt from Old Navy and black sweat pants...from Old Navy.
Following : too many people I don't actually know on Instagram.
Noticing : how much my feet hurt. Holy crap.
Opening : up some microwavable brussel sprouts. It's time.
Feeling : more bored than I was before I started this. Like, significant amounts.

THRILLING.

Also, an update : Microwaved brussel sprouts smell like toots.

the end of an era : farewell to my license picture!

- - - - 

today i spent an obscene amount of time at the driver's license division in orem. what is the driver's license division? is it different than the d.m.v.? honestly, i don't know. no clue. i've googled it + it just keeps bringing up the d.m.v. of alaska. alaska, i tell you! i once half-dated a boy who worked in alaska over the summer + he came back sunburnt. so there's that.

i went in slightly optimistic -- the d.m.v. and/or driver's license division and/or alaska is sunny in the summer gets such a bad wrap. it's like monday. why does everyone hate monday so much? i really don't. it's just so easy to complain about. though, while we are here, i really do hate january which is sort of like the monday of the year. y'know?

but alas, the d.m.v. (driver's license division) failed me. the result of my optimism : two hours of sitting, fifteen minutes of contemplating handing the sniffly + over-anxious teenager next to me a tissue, a pounding headache, and no driver's license. see you tomorrow, window three!


or will i? i'm struggling.
you see, i'm not a photogenic person. at all. don't even try to talk me out of this one.
i've completely accepted this fact + am fine with it + will continue living my life ducking out of pictures + blaming the horrified look on my face that just happens on 'bad lighting.' it's fine. but the best picture of me ever taken, my pride + my joy, is my license picture. i love it. at airports, i love handing it to the security people + basically beg them to compliment me on how amazing it is ...for some odd reason, until now it never seemed narcissistic or at all concerning that i seek validation from t.s.a. employees?
ho hum.

i s'pose this is good? i'm trying to find the light. after all, i really don't recognize that girl wearing a button up + giant pearl earrings in my picture. it was kind of a strange outfit choice, even at the time. i remember watching a youtube video that day about looking good in license photos (bless the people who youtube that crap, also bless the people who make all the one direction tributes -- liam! be still my soul!) + having to dull down my excitement over passing the test because my friend (...nikki, cough, cough) didn't pass. hahahah.

it was awkward. i was bronzed. and fifteen.

fifteen was a weird year; i was dating a boy who eventually grew dreadlocks  (reference #2 to a boy i dated ... these things just happen?) + who told me our 'song' was 'all my life' by kc + jojo. yes, that happened. we watched a lot of movies where i felt like i probably wasn't the target audience (undercover brother + most anything with tyler perry...shockingly decent movies!) + he had an unnecessary 'y' in his name that just made my heart pitter patter. it all seems like a different life! i was head over heels + completely naive... then i was quickly crushed + listening to a lot of take a bow by rihanna + should've said no by taylor swift. this literally makes me cringe to type. it was a dark time with ill-applied liquid eyeliner.
oh, fifteen...
i'd gladly erase you but also those tyler perry movies weren't half bad?


...and now it's over! tomorrow i have to go turn in my license (...i think? please tell me you can keep 'em. i'm getting this sucker framed) + say goodbye to fifteen year old, bright-faced brooke who was so, so naive. i mean, kc + jojo people!

wish me luck + pray i don't get too chandler bing with the camera.

that one time i wanted to know what i looked like while having an animated conversation.

- - - - - -
as a child, one of my favorite toys was a voice recorder. my parents were unconventional, i suppose. no barbie jeeps or teddy bears over here, just rejected office supplies ( but also i thought i was a dog with my derek-neighbor + i played with barbies until i was like...thirteen. that's besides the point.). i thought it was so jarring to hear the sound of my own voice + got an absolute kick out of replaying it over + over again + making myself sound like a chipmunk with the fast forward button. self entertainment at it's finest! ...also the start of my narcissism, but aren't all bloggers?

today i reached a new level of low. or narcissism. toe-may-toes, toe-mah-toes. but actually it's toe-may-toes.
i texted my mom in an attempt to walk down memory lane about my love affair with the voice recorder. i wanted to sort out the details + figure out how old i was + when my parents decided it had gone on too long and took it away from me + also could they mail it to me because i really wanted to hear the sound of my own voice today.

i know, i know. it's bizarre.

anyways, i spent a good fifteen minutes talking to myself today on my macbook. i couldn't stop! i wanted to see what it looked like when i was talking from the side + how my face looked when i was surprised + how loud i chewed cereal. the important things, you know.

i actually think i may be going insane. who's going to give me a diagnosis?
here's the last of the videos. it is sort of a conclusion to all my findings. it's also where i realize how insane i was being. all good things to share to the blogging world.

onwards. i call this brooke in real life or the tipping point of my sanity or how i like my face from afar or why did i keep touching my hair?! or, quite possibly, the diary of amanda bynes 2.0. enjoy with popcorn.

happy friday, folks! 

who is john kerry, anyways? || confessions of a lowly journalism major.

( this is my sister paige. who, yes, is perfect. the reason for this picture? mostly i don't have any crummy iphone pictures to throw up here but also, go follow her on twitter. she's so funny. i feel like i need to share this with the world as one does in the wee hours of the morning... )

it's 1:39 a.m. and my alarm is set for 5:15 a.m.
maybe i should start hitting my palm to my face now? *face-palm*

but i can't sleep.
so here's a story:

i'm in the journalism program for reasons including : it's a fast major, i love to write, it involves no math, refer back to reason number one.
i mean, do i want to be a hard-hitting journalist for the wall street journal? meeeeeh. hard pass.
on the first day of class, we had to write our end-goals as a journalist. mine involved having my own little space of creativity + wit in a magazine about food or fitness or...cosmopolitan? i would happily give out unfounded relationship advice + list the top trends in hair + decide whether an outfit is sexy or skanky for the rest of my career as a journalist...and also maybe having my own talk show once i learn how to keep my facial expressions under control?

they are far-fetched and undoubtedly warranted a load of eye rolls from the communications department. but they are mine!

...also, related : we are required to read the new york times and are given a quiz about the top stories. oh, if you were to hear some of my answers. like,
why is dennis rodman in the news? ... he's wearing a wedding dress again?
answer : north korea...something or other.

who is john kerry + why is he relevant?
(this is embarrassing! it hurts!) ... he ran for president in 2004? and he is going to try again?
answer : he is the secretary of state. you nerd.

(... and my favorite answer that wasn't mine but was my sydney-friend's* ... )
who is nancy pelosi?
a very popular news anchor.
answer : the former speaker of the house.

bah!
i caved under pressure!
what happened to me?!

...in other news, a nyc gym shames miley cyrus + should i go more brunette?
awww, yes. this is home.



 *names have been changed because of privacy + such. or maybe they haven't? hrmph.

a few things i feel the need to tell you.

- - - - - - 
i only have school on monday and wednesday. also i am unemployed (officially). that leaves a lot of time to think + ponder + peruse the aisles of tj maxx on my off days. mostly i catch up on editing photos + pluck my eyebrows (...does any one else have to pluck every day? what is this mess?! why am i so hairy!?), if you were wondering. today i mentally noted all of the things that i was going to tell my avery-friend who is on a lds mission in atlanta, georgia at present. i am kind of the worst at keeping in touch with her + more often than not i forget to put these mental letters into actual writing. oops. here's to avery!

(this is my niece kaliyani. the point of this photo is...there isn't one. but it's tuesday! and every one needs a little baby in their life. and also isn't she the cutest? her lips!)

• last sunday i quit diet coke cold turkey. i know, i know. i'm so brave. mostly i just want to cry + curl into a little ball...but aren't i brave? we shall see how long this lasts...
• tonight i namaste'd with my rachael-friend. peeps! yoga! i felt so relaxed the whole time. also i pounded a bunch of brussel sprouts before + had to exert half my effort  to stop from tooting. did i ever tell you about the one time i went to zumba + literally stunk up the back row? and the worst part : when the girl next to me rolled her eyes + scoffed at the heavier man next to me, i joined in! as if it was his fault! bless that pony-tailed wonder.
• on a scale of one to ten, how serious do you take facebook invites? my morgan-friend invited me to her housewarming party on saturday + i completely missed it. but we were snap chatting the whole time?
• lee daniels' the butler. (is that the full name? i'm assuming lee daniels is the director who does not want to go without credit?)(side note : if i directed a movie, you bet i would put my name in the title! i get you, lee daniels. i get you)(unless that movie was lady in the water...because that movie just sucked) you must see it! it was so moving. and oprah! hats off to you, lady! another bonus is realizing you are not the target audience while watching the previews. oops.
• a boy in capri pants complimented my collection of ankle bracelets + began to tell me about how he too collected bracelets from all of his world travels; this one is from spain + this one is from new zealand and... i told him how i just got them from a store in moscow...idaho, that is...and how i have a patch of leg hair interwoven into them because it's impossible to shave underneath all that string. maybe i should start traveling?
• i've been reading! i go through these phases where i am a reading machine + other times i don't ready anything. not even menus! was that funny? that wasn't funny. anyways, i am reading a million in a thousand years. it's so good. and that's all i have to say about it because i'm on like, page fifty.
• i love fall. finally i can start making my body look like a box again! 

...maybe this one will make it to the mailbox? 

may 4 inches of my hair rest in peace.

here's some lessons that i've learned about hair, impulse decisions, and flighty teenage girls...

|| just because you had a fat day that lasted seventy-two hours too long, doesn't mean you should go and get a hair cut from a crappy hair school at nine at night.

|| never trust a girl who when asked so, when did you graduate from high school? answers 'twelve.' not 2012, not last year or recently but 'twelve.' perhaps she is thousands of years old and is just trying to hide it?

|| when the same girl who just might be pulling a tuck everlasting on you audibly expresses her disdain for the haircut and her worry about getting it even all around, just leave. just cut the small talk about her boyfriend who won't commit, get up, and leave...uneven hair and all.

|| the fact that no one around your hair stylist can remember her name is probably a sure-sign that she's a newbie. or just plain sucks...which she does.

|| ...in the end, just grab the instructor and whisper to her that you're feeling a little uneasy about everything and can you please just finish it up? then lie to your stylist when she comes back and tell her that this was the best hair cut ever! i loved it! and you! and there is no apparent reason why your boyfriend doesn't want to make any real commitment to you! you seem as stable as your hands were while you were cutting zig-zags in my head! 

...was i ranting there?

|| never trust a lexie.

pregnancy brain.

let's get this clear: no, i am not pregnant. not even close. well, maybe i'm close because just look at that man, would you? only kidding. anyways, last time i wrote a fake-out i'm pregnant post  (...where i so plainly said that i was not pregnant), people evidently didn't read till the end? i kept getting congratulated by jeff's friends and even had to endure a stomach graze. yes. a stomach graze. there is actually nothing worse than having your stomach rubbed right after lunch-time. or, any time for that matter.

but at the same time, am i? one of my coworkers was talking about pregnancy brain. how she somehow thought that she caught some mild case of it even though she is not pregnant. as she was giving her thoughts + theories why she thought she had it, i kept agreeing (...silently, i have to maintain some semblance of dignity at my work, jeesh! stuffing people into wedding dresses is serious business for the utmost intelligent).

i keep forgetting things ...YES! and misplacing them ...YES! and i make up weird smells in my mind and am convinced that they are real. my bedroom smells like an asian fish market ...okay, no...you should probably get that checked out?

let's dive into this diagnosis further, shall we?

symptom 1: (...let's pretend this is how doctors do it, yes?)

tuesday the 18th of february, around 5 p.m. : i had to clear up some intramural fees and was at the student offices with my credit card in hand and five minutes to spare. i was in a rush! i handed the man my card and told him my student i.d. number as i casually carried on a conversation about cross-dressing middle aged men. the usual. i was in the middle of the kicker and was making large and pronounced hand motions when he interrupted me.

"...umm, ma'am. this isn't working. will you repeat your student i.d. number again?"

"oh, of course intramural office man! i will do just that! and i am not in a hurry or mad at all about this hold-up! it is 5...1...5..." (as you can see, i am really kind to people serving me. it's whatever...) i continued to tell him the number and jumped right back into my story. "so, anyways, cross-dressers..."

he stopped me again. interrupting my stories is kind of like jumping into a double-dutch jump rope game. you have to time it p e r f e c t l y or else you'll mess it up and everyone will be annoyed.

"okay, i am so, so sorry. could you repeat it again?"

"yep. no problem. not in a hurry! 5...1...5...let's talk about me, now? so, when i was fifteen, i finally got breasts..."

"ma'am. i am so sorry. maybe just one more time?"

"here! let me write it down for you!" (*scribbling paper furiously and huffing back into my story with less enthusiasm only to be interrupted five seconds later...*)

"...ma'am. this is not even an i.d. number in the system. and by the looks of it, i think that's your social security number?"

oh. yes. that. i had never remembered it before then! so...small feats?

symptom 2: 

monday the 25th of february, around 9 p.m.: i play on a city-league team over in lindon. mostly i contribute nothing, if you were wondering. also, if you were wondering, city-league trumps intramural basketball. the fury! half of the players on the other teams have a slew of children that tag along to the games and, let me tell you, mama rage! so much pent up annoyance that is let out on the court! child not latching? throw a bow! youngest teething and getting no sleep? punch a girl out!

...apparently i am making some sort of advertisement for city-league? no matter.

anyways, we have an email group where we remind each other of games and other some such things. our captain, blake, emailed + emailed again that our first tournament game was the 25th and that we needed everyone. i confirmed and expressed my excitement and...didn't show up. i thought the game was tuesday and had been looking at a june calendar? oops.

symptom 3:

sunday the 3rd of march, around 3 p.m.: yesterday i was taking someone's engagements and kept on forgetting the boy's name! brett? brent? brad? buckley? i was calling him everything.

"k, carrissa. lean your head on br...a...o...i...d...on his head."

it got awful creative.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

you agree, no? i have to be pregnant...or just getting decreasingly worse. have i ever told you that i misspelled my name up until i was fourteen years old? yep. we were mourning over the loss of my grandfather and i noticed that my grandma's name was spelled a little funny on the headstone. 

"so it's not spelled b-a-r-a-b-a-r-a?"

...my poor children.

also am i flirting with you all and just playing up the ditzy girl act? perhaps, perhaps.