i'm an artichoke, apparently.

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when jeff was falling in love with me (imagine me saying this with a flip of the hair and a little shimmy at the end), he told me that i was kind of like an artichoke. yes, an artichoke. i was sort of...off-putting at first. i was like nothing he'd ever seen before + he didn't really know what to think of me. but then! then he figured me out! oh! dip in buttery goodness! don't eat the whole leaf! what was life without artichokes?

yeah, the whole thing was kind of a stretch and for the most part i just stared at him with really wide eyes, waiting for the conversation to end so we could, i don't know, make out or something + forget the fact that he had ever likened me to an unopened flower head. 

since then, i've gotten a bit desensitized to all of the strange comments that fly out of jeff's mouth. but sometimes, sometimes, after i've had a long day at work or we've been apart for awhile, i'll come home and be reminded of just how much some of his commentary deserves an eyebrow raise or three.

while cooking dinner: "you know, ever since i found out that salmonella probably won't kill you and will really only get you sick, i just don't really care that much..."

while watching sister wives: "extreme couponers would make the best sister wives..."

while leaving to go workout at 11 p.m.: "it takes me thirteen hours to wake up in the morning. at night it's hello! there's my personality!"

while listening to a radio ad in which you could win a trip to paris + hang out with adam levine: "if i won the trip, i would pull a scott disick and stand him up at lover's bridge."

while watching sister wives (again): "cody brown (the husband of the four wives) is a better man than i am meeting all those women's needs. well, kind of. he is a polygamist."

while talking about the fourth grade: "i was the coolest kid in my class. i peaked too early; been downhill since."

while lingering in the cheese aisle: "i once had a friendship that was founded entirely on a mutual love for cheese."

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oh, jeff.

i am.

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1. i am a top-knot and let's get the heck out the door type of gal.  
2. i am a loud-laugher. 
3. i am as easy to entertain as a child (and easy to distract, too).
4. but i am an old, old soul.
5. i am an out of sight, out of mind type of person, and i hate it. except for with food. food is always on my mind.
6. i am my biggest critic. like, if you think my outfit looks weird, trust me. i think it looks weirder. i've been working on it and it has gotten better, but jeesh! i can be cruel! 
7. but! something good! i am wise...or so i think. i like to think of myself as a jv yoda or rufus humphrey -- just chock full of advice and life notes. whatever my advice is, i usually pretend i heard it from a better source. like oprah! or ann romney! isn't that weird? 
8. ...and directly contradicting #5, i am my biggest fan. i have had this belief since i was a child that i just can't shake that i can do anything and everything. *spoiler: i can't. you should see all my craft attempts. pitiful.*
9. i am laid back. except for when it comes to packing things up and planning high school dances. like, i just can't.
10. i am a big sister + over the years i have learned to take the role more seriously. big sister claws are a real thing. 
11. i am a can i have one bite?-er.
12. i am a firm believer in alone time. and fountain diet dr. pepper from will's. and watching saturday night live every monday.
13. i am a lover of the great outdoors but balls! i just hate snow!
14. i am conditionally-sensitive. for the most part, i don't care all too much what people say but sometimes the silliest things will sting so hard...and they're usually said by the silliest people!
15. i am a movie-crier. 
16. ...and an ugly crier, too. i rarely cry...like, rarely. but when i do, oh heavens! it's like i've kept in all these things i've wanted to cry about for years and years and i'm like, well...i'm here anyways! i'll cry about failing a spelling test in fifth grade and the scene where the mama dies in bambi and getting picked last for kickball in kindergarten (...this actually never happened; i was a mega-butch when it came to sports in elementary school...) and anything else i can think of. it's really quite exhausting. 
17. i am hard to get mad. i am just too lazy for it. 
18. i am a big ol' fan of road trips...though i hate being in cars. 
19. i am a klutz. i drop + break + lose everything. don't hand me your baby.
20. i am not under the impression that any one actually read all twenty of these and/or did so without rolling their eyes a few times. but hey, it's hump day (hump day! ha!). 

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mama's day + a declaration of love to my own mama.

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here's a secret: sometimes, especially after i have eaten more than i should and the pooch is out to play, i like to pretend i'm pregnant. no, but seriously. i'll hold my stomach and look down i'll lovingly and give a little sigh as if to say, i just can't wait to meet you in five short months, my little macaroon. it's kind of disgusting and horrifying and, while i'm here, this is my a public declaration to never refer to my child as a french-cookie (that kind of suck, don't you think? the hype around those things! head-scratchingly successful! they are like the baked goods version of  matthew mcconaughey!)(though he was mildly decent in lincoln lawyer, i'm told). 

shoot, where was i going with this?

oh! yes! yesterday i didn't even have to employ my master plan of having a pregnancy scare to swindle a meal or five out of jeff stapleton. no, jeff stapleton was on it! i woke up to breakfast in bed (...also head-scratchingly successful...it's so uncomfortable. syrup flying everywhere, juice toppling over; i'm not coordinated enough for that jazz). 

eggs 'cause i have eggs to be specific. and i really don't know if there was some hidden message behind the banana? mayhaps?

and now for some pictures of me. bra-less. you are welcome. 

 

i felt like such a mama's day imposter. but then i was like, what the heck! although i am not a mama, i am well-equipped for it with my wide-set hips, evil-eye, and lady-parts, of course.

because that's all you need to be a mama, right? ;)

when i think about motherhood, i feel seriously overwhelmed. i can hardly keep track of myself, how am i supposed to keep track of another person?! there is so much a need to do and learn! how to do calm a baby down and how to put them to sleep and my boobs are going to do what (?!) and how much is it goign to hurt and diapers cost how much?!? 

good. hell. 

but then i think about my mama. oh, i seriously hope everyone has a kim mosman in her life. now that i've gotten older, i've realized how totally i took her for granted. all those years of lunches made to my exact order and homework drop-offs and homecooked meals and laundry folder and put away! but mostly, i think i took her unwavering friendship and support for granted.

i grew up knowing that my mom was kick-a but i also, sort of believed that everyone else's moms were almost as cool. that everyone else's mother would rather poke their eyeballs out then miss a sporting event. that everyone else's mother would help rub self-tanner on the parts that they couldn't reach (ha!). that everyone else's mother knew the exact and precise remedy for a bad day and would show up right when they needed them...like in supply closets at school!* 

mom, you are my nearest and dearest friend. you have made motherhood look so fun and i feel anxious, like a dog on a leash at a dog park (hashtag brooke attempts a metaphor...errr, simile), to join in. eventually. like, not any time soon-soon but soon. i am so thankful for your example to me and your support and love through all of my awkward stages and fleeting interests. you are the best.

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*no seriously. this happened. i was senior class president (...drops mic...) and was stressed out over planning a silly dance that i didn't even want to go to. the principal wasn't understanding me and my vision (i was such a douche) and i was so annoyed. so, so annoyed. oh the drama! oh the tragedy! i walked to the downstairs bathroom of my high school to maybe have my first at-school cry. it was so ceremonious! how do i even start it?! right as i was about to turn on the water works, my mom walks out of the supply closet! ha! she was grabbing some things or something? i'm just going to hold firm to my belief that she is three parts wizard. i hid in their for a period and let out a few deep sighs. and that's my story. 

happy friday, folks!

okay, yep. now that my feet are blown up this big i'm realizing they should probably always be shoved into a pair of ugg boots, and not even the sparkly kind. i like to believe that god spent so much time working on all the other parts of me that when he came to my feet he was like, "well shoot, i'm tired. let's just slap these on."

is that sacreligious? (the amount of times i have to ask myself that in a week really ruins my chances of ever coming relief society president of the world. dangit.)

it's friday! which is nice because it means it's the weekend but also because it means i can make some really cliche 'happy friday, look at my cute pants' design and throw it up on here. you like, no? 

this weekend, most of our plans revolve around the sun. like the earth! see, mom! i learned something in...geography?  life sciences? algebra? one of those classes that i didn't do very well in? also we just bought some memberships at a rock wall (?)(why?!) and are going to test those suckers out. 

but mostly i just plan on catching up on gossip girl. it's official that it is no longer our show. it's just jeff's. he's watched nearly two whole seasons alone. ha! what do i make of this? he also picked out my pants in those pictures when we were shopping? but he fixed the washing machine and has huge biceps and can grow a beard in like, thirty two seconds! man card returned! 

neither here nor there.

woof! is it already wednesday? and is it already may? and am i still doing really crappy graphic design courtesy of pixlr? answer is yes. these past couple weeks have seemed to just fly by me. here's a few ramblings that are neither here nor there:

:: we moved! but we are not moved in, per say. like, we just have boxes sitting in a room. home sweet home? but our new place has a washer + dryer (hallelujah!) and a disposal and faux-hardwood floors and the most amazing light. and did i mention it has a washer + dryer? sold.

i like moving. maybe it is because i lived in my same house for most all my life and was convinced that being the new kid in school would be the most awesome thing in the world. a chance to start over...and make up stories about yourself! pro wake boarder? sure! mom's an ex-dallas cheerleader? why not! you see what i'm getting at here?

:: that said, we had major graduation goggles right before we moved out of our old place. the leaky faucet was sort of soothing, right? and the five a.m. morning delights courtesy of our neighbors were kind of a nice wake up call, no? mostly we just got sappy about our ward and our visiting teachers...and those blasted five a.m. morning delights.

:: i wore makeup today! this shouldn't be such a feat or exclamation. like, i'm no natural beauty. give this face some concealer and eyeliner stat. the kids in my reading group nearly gasped when i walked in and finally, finally believed that i was older than fourteen (which i don't get! fourteen year old's generally don't have birthing hips and turtlenecks! i am distinguished, dangit!)(...as much as i'd like to believe that it's because of my youthful looks, i am 74% certain it's because of my victory dance when i beat 'em at any educational game. suckers!)

:: iron. man. three. guys, it was my jam. we saw it last night (tuesday night movie deals, i see you!) and can we talk about gwyneth paltrow's abs for thirteen seconds? girl is ripped. and is forty! lucky for me, i haven't peaked yet -- i've been living out this twenty year awkward stage and am crossing my fingers by the time i'm forty, i'll have abs of steel. and a child named after a fruit, too.

:: me + my melissa friend have been doing this 3-week fitness challenge at a nearby bootcamp gym. on the first day, we had to sign a waiver with the trainer that said the basics: if we got hurt, it wasn't their fault; we aren't guaranteed to lose weight; personal training involves some touching. the trainer then joked that extra-touching was extra and i just mindlessly said "oh, yeah. i know. where do i sign?"

like, i was serious. what in the? who am i? what was i trying to prove? also all the veterans (...as in people that have done it before. not veteran veterans like i thought for the first four days) that work out there are so fit. i have caught myself staring at them far too many times. but those triceps, man.

:: the people at will's gas station know my name! or at least pretend to. actually i don't think they do? but they know my order! and that might be seven times as embarrassing than the fact that i am the only person who yelped about them. oops.

peace + blessings. 

the weekend jeff ran a half marathon?

if you follow me on instagram, you might have seen that jeff + i ran a half marathon this last weekend. originally, my brother was supposed to run it with me (...well, originally we were supposed to run a full marathon...but that's for another day, right?) but he had "a work meeting" and was "super bummed" that he couldn't. that boob! ;) my mom suggested talking jeff into doing it -- perhaps suggest that i would do all his chores for the rest of the year? actually cook something? pull out some crazy sexual favors?

alas! he ran it. well, hobbled + wobbled it. but we finished. let this be a lesson about the power of positive thinking and also an indication about my skills in sexual favors. ha! only kidding! i'm like twelve. let's just end this whole paragraph with a cyber side-eye and a big, fat, collective push for me to have my own cosmopolitan column. ha! but really...

please assume we are a fitness-savvy couple now. mostly because we aren't. 

other than that, we spent the weekend lounging around and making plans to run s'more! because when you are stuffing your face with in n' out, you kind of forget how dreadful 13.1 miles really is. *let it be noted: we, especially jeff stapleton, have been dangling around the whole half marathon and thirteen point ONE! miles thing. it's obnoxious and kind of reminds me of how my jordan-friend would always, always clarify that he was going to a.p. calculus and had to write an essay for his accelerated english class (hi jordan!). 

vegabonds (see what i did there?)

all last week i was bursting at the seams. i had planned a list minute getaway to vegas for the semester break. jeff had been putting in some nauseatingly long hours at the computer lab and i was anxious to steal him away for some undivided attention. well, mostly undivided -- our hotel room had cable and boy, have we been missin' out!

when we were driving home, we realized that we did basically everything we do in provo: feed my fountain soda addiction, go grocery shopping, walk around aimlessly, see dollar movies we really aren't interested (but warm bodies! that was good!). but we did it vegas-style so that counts for something, no?

anyways, here's a buttload of pictures. like, a buttload. feel free to scroll.

we stayed at a timeshare a bit off the strip. i think we were the youngest people there by, like, 95 years. 

...eh, we are messy. also i grocery shop like such a woman. poor, poor jeff.

cable, y'all. 

we were matching! in bro tanks? ...what happens in vegas?

the boiling crab! we got a pound of crawfish and destroyed them. i am still not entirely sure if you were supposed to eat the brains? do they have brains? 

we explored a bit and found this sweet park with a flash flood...precautionary...pool? i don't really know what it was. but it was sweet. feel free to roll your eyes at the hipster vibes of these pictures. if it's any consolation  we were chatting about the kardashians the entire time (did anyone see their tell-all with ryan seacrest?!).

the dirty dr. pepper! like, what?! mind. blown. 

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viva! las vegas!