beauty tips for the mediocre looking and budgeted.

tell me you've read tina fey's bossypants. you have, haven't you? well, if you haven't, she has a chapter all about her beauty tips. she talks about her hot-sticks and creating a wardrobe completely full of 'express' and other laughable words of wisdom about looking youthful and fresh. after reading that (...and reading it again, and then listening to it twice on long road trips back from idaho; what? jeff + i love tina), i constructed this post in my brain all about my beauty snafus and pseudo secrets to my allure. it was all very funny and all very self-deprecating. 

but then last night happened. after one too many diet dr. pepper's and three hours on pinterest reading inspirational quotes that are probably not intended for people who spend three hours on pinterest...i got a bit self-righteous. these things happen. and so, without further adieu, i present to you: 

beauty tips for the mediocre-looking and mediocre budgeted: a post in which i take myself almost completely seriously and share with you my most favorite beauty secrets on the cheap. and no, i am not looking at anyone in particular in the picture below. i just like my profile, okay? 

and we're off!

• say it with me five times: st. ive's timeless skin + collagen elastin facial moisturizer. okay, you don't actually have to say it five times because golly, is it a mouth-full! but this moisturizer is butter. it comes in a giant tub and usually sits on the bottom shelf of most superstores and it's cheap. i usually slap on a hefty serving of this stuff right when i wake up, right before i go to bed, and right after i've put on foundation to make it look less cakey. and i use it everywhere. get creative if you must! in my nose, on my lips, all over my neck -- every nook and cranny, people. also apparently dr. oz dubbed this the best + cheapest facial moisturizer ever? promise i was using it before that. can we just give me credit, please?


• you've always wondered how i maintain my pumpkin-like glow, haven't you? answer(s): weird genes, a short stint working at the tanning booth, and, most importantly, banana boat summer color self-tanning lotion (in deep dark). i know, i know. a self-tanner, really? but quiet your skepticism because my classiest great aunt with an english accent and affinity for the finer things in life uses it so...you know. but! there is a method to this madness! and because i am taking myself very seriously, i shall divulge: 
1. take a shower that's extra-steamy (open ye pores!) and exfoliate with such gusto that your arms are sore the next day and your whole body is bright red.
2. dry off almost completely and slap on a thick layer of lotion and just let it sink in.
3. when it's almost completely sunken in to your skin, put s'more lotion on your awkward parts. no, not your lady business. your awkward parts. your knee caps, your ankles, your elbows, and your hands. 
4. grab the self-tanner and apply in circular motions. therapeutic, no? 
5. finish off with some more lotion (perhaps some that has a delightful fragrance? this stuff stinks) and wash your hands vigorously. 
6. now for the best part: spend the next two hours naked! or in a loose t-shirt and shorts if you have roommates or large glass windows. 
7. voila! your alabaster skin is a thing of the past and you're a tan little monkey! 
8. ...pray that you have no streaks. 
• let's talk about dry shampoo, okay? i had a moment during my senior year where i discovered dry shampoo and loved it...then i hated it, then i thought it was gross, then i thought it was great!, then i never showered ever!, then i threw it out and vowed to never use it again...and now, i like it conditionally. my conditions: dry shampoo is not a crutch or an excuse to never shower again and there are only a few good dry shampoos and only those should be used. i use (and love) dove invigorating dry shampoo. and you know what, i feel invigorated! i really do?


• if you're going to wear bright lipsticks, you must wax your upper-lip. if you wear powder foundation, you must wax your upper-lip. if you are on any branch of my family tree, you must wax your upper-lip (i'm blaming it on genes, people!). it's just sort of a twisted right-of-passage into ladyhood. i prefer to do it at home and use the gigi all-purpose honee and nuke it in the microwave for two minutes or so. it's given me no problems and i have fairly sensitive skin. i also use the non-woven waxing strips found at any beauty supply store. and i use obscenities, lots of 'em. 


• i'm going to shoot it to your straight: fill in your eyebrows. if your eyes are the windows to your soul, think of your eyebrows as the fancy drapes. was that the worst metaphor ever? i started filling mine in mostly because half of my eyebrow disappeared after i got in a bike accident (...i fell of my bike while trying to make a music video, but bike accident sounds far more traumatic); i'm fairly convinced i am going to sneeze it out one of these days. i use the eye brow pencil by m.a.c. and like it because it stays on throughout the whole day and doesn't look too harsh. or at least so i hope? 

there you have it, friends. the secrets to my allure. you were curious, no? i know you look to me as a beacon of beauty and healthy and youthfulness so, why not share? following these tips coupled with drinking at least 44 oz. of some soda riddled with fake sugar and syrup will have you looking like me in no time. and isn't that we all want? ;)

called to serve.

ryan lavering was called to serve as a missionary in the democratic republic of the congo mission speaking french tonight!

some of the pictures are quite blurry due to all the jumping and screaming. nevertheless, i love them! it was awesome to be there and see the whole moment unfold. he’s going to make a great missionary! so proud of him!

am i boring you?

hypothetically speaking, it will stay christmas forever and ever if i never shower or change out of my pajamas and continue to down mass amounts of sugar? right? apparently i am testing this theory. i spent the day lounging around the house and skyping these people. the boy on the left, landon, is getting set apart to leave for his mission tonight. in other words, the choppy group skype date where i spent 3/4 of the time staring at my own face on the screen was the last time i’ll talk to him for two years…byeeee landon!

in other news, i snuck in a trip to the gym today and a visit to the chiropractor where he, once again, told me that i was jewish. what? why? the part about the gym really was quite irrelevant but…i went there…

…i walked to safeway with my mom and decided that i like shasta cola and pink lady apples more than honeycrisp. compelling!

furthermore,  i took two baths today! two!

…also i’m left-handed?

in which brooke gets accepted into college.

There are not many things I am sure of regarding the future. Questions are perpetually being churned about in my mind: is my more-than occasional trip to the tanning salon going to result in me looking like a leather bag? Is my incessant snacking on all things chocolate and salty going to limit my wardrobe options in the future to moo-moos? Am I going to eventually start sweating Diet cherry Coke? When will Justin Bieber mature?!?

But right now, there is one thing I am sure of regarding the future: I am going to BYU!

Hooray.

At 4:00 on Wednesday my mom texted me telling me that the acceptance/denial letters were being sent out that day. I broke into a fit of ‘I-should-have’s’ (‘I should have been nicer in seminary’, ‘I should have been less frequent with flipping the bird’, ‘I should have revealed my always-enticing knees less!’). I felt like I was going to die!

My mom summoned the bearded one to distracting me. The whole evening was spent trying to ease my nerves by drinking mass amounts of chocolate shakes at The Hong Kong Cafe (you wouldn’t think they had such delicious chocolate shakes, but they do) and making unnecessary purchases at Hastings and Ross (isn’t everything at Ross sort of unnecessary?)(also, if you’re wondering, the purchase was a moo-moo…just in case). I felt like I was a pregnant lady just waiting for my water to break (sick). Except I could be having an actual human-child or an alien.

Finally, at 9:30, my water broke (sick). My sister charged into my room and announced that I had been accepted. My family quickly followed and offered various enthusiastic shouts and squeals.

Oddly, I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would be. I mean, I was. But I was so exhausted from being nervous and roaming the mall that I couldn’t express it properly. I was Christmas-day excited as well as Christmas-day exhausted.

But I’m accepted! And I’m going!

(Is it bad that every time I think about it I happily and creatively curse in my brain?)

P.S. I wonder if I prance around in my moo-moo real fancy-like Jimmer will stay another year?

I think so.

Only in Utah.