on that day i woke up pregnant...

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

 today i woke up pregnant. i don't know how, i just did.

there were no real clear symptoms this morning, i suppose? i had missed my...ahem...lady-girl-visitor (that always overstays her welcome, mind you!), but that's 93% normal for me.

or maybe i just hadn't noticed these symptoms? webmd.com had me sold. extra salivation : check (drool dripped from my mouth to the keyboard); mood swings: extra check; frequent urination : only for the past 19 years! and pregnant brain? that explained my abhorrent grade on my stats test! suddenly the word was making sense again?

...because i was pregnant. i just had to be! my mind told me i was and therefore...i was. at first i was like OH SHOOT I CAN'T EVEN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF ANOTHER HUMAN? and then i was like BABIES ARE COOL!

i tip-toed around all day long, making sure not bump or jump or do anything too strenous (like studying...), because, like, i am a sacred vessel?

and boy, did i justify:
 an extra large handful of m&ms? don't mind if i do!
 a large wendy's chicken salad with EXTRA blue cheese and EXTRA glazed walnuts and three things of dressing i'm eating for two, sir!
running over to harmon's just for the free samples of cheese and white chocolate chip bread? silly cravings! pregnancy! 
leaving work extra early? hosting a human is tiring, you know?

and now what? what was next? what do pregnant people do? i started researching like crazy; 'perfectly trendy baby names',  'hypno-natural-water-birth', and 'casting calls for pregnant child-brides' (mtv and 'pregzilla'...you are weird). should i start nesting? maybe try and like babies more? should i make a facebook announcement and play the 'guess the gender' game? so much to do! so little time! grab the camera and let me start showing my bump to the world!

i texted my mom. she was wise and pregnant for like, 15 years straight. my mother was supportive...and skeptical? why exactly was i pregnant? and they give out extra blue cheese at wendy's now? have i taken a pregnancy test even?

...oh, that.

one quick trip to the dollar tree and a hand sopping with urine later (...apparently i have terrible aim?), and it turns out i'm not pregnant after all. but oh, was it fun to be. maybe i should make these a monthly adventure?

and for the record, i am still a sacred vessel. of diet coke and extra blue cheese and things.


  1. BROOKE THIS KILLED ME. hahahahaha. of course i had to scroll to the bottom first to see if it was true before i read the entire thing but wow. you are so funny. maybe you should be the next kirsten wig? yeah.

    1. IF ONLY. Day/life made. Also your bangs are fabulous. I'm going to keep telling you that into the eternities.

  2. Haha, you probably have the best blog Brooke!

    1. I'm still not setting you up with my sister, Russell! Hahah, just kidding. But thank you!

  3. hahaha oh brooke, you are hilaaaariiious (in that josh sort of drawl)! you know, half the people reading blogs don't even read to the end of a post--haha! but they will learn to read to the very last punctuation mark on your blog! haha i love you...you're great. and when that little window does show "positive"...well, i can't even begin to express how great that feeling is!

  4. Ha ha ha!!! No, if you were pregnant you'd be vomiting up that diet coke and extra blue cheese!! :) well, at least I would. Yum!! Love you.

  5. I. AM. CRYING.

    why don't we hang out? you are pretty funny, my love.

    I don't think quick encounters in the Brimhall are enough.

    I know you are married... but married people still hang out right? Aren't we supposed to go to lunch or like start a book club?

    Im in if you are

    1. i just saw this comment, you are too funny. let's start a book club? do US weekly and teen vogue count?

  6. Brooke, you are so funny. I just read some of this to Sam and we both laughed. Thanks for stopping by my blog you sweetie!

    The Broadcloth

  7. Oh my goodness. Just found your blog and this now happens to be one of my favorite posts ever. So hilarious and witty and well, really, I'm just glad I'm not the only one who's gotten pee on my hand after a pregnancy test (spoiler alert: I'm not pregnant either).

    1. hahhahahaha aiming is just so hard ;). and thank you :)


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