if you were to marry a jeff stapleton...

have you ever wondered if there is another person in the universe exactly like you? if there is another brooke-formerly-stapleton that bites her nails and slaps her forehead over it everyday and is generally low maintenance but is a super-snob over silly things like apples (pink lady only and honeycrisp if i have to). i wonder if there is another man just like my husbman? and thus! i present to you! (scroll! scroll! this was all build-up, scroll!)

if you were to marry a jeff stapleton, expect:

1. off-color comments muttered in total serious like "i mean, kanye west is my idol but i actually want to be scott disick" or "i have a few friendships completely founded on loving cheese."
2. and, on that note, grocery lists that always involve cheese (in any form: squirt-able, slice-able, or string-able), frozen burritos, and apple juice. always.
3. mirror and window gazes that are longer than socially acceptable. (i advise to leave these uninterrupted)
4. premature compliments that are so sweet but are they really sincere? you haven't even taken a bite yet, jeff? 
5. the most mind-boggling music selection. ever. (jeff has a loyalty problem; he is too loyal to bands. did you even know bowling for soup made other songs? and that weird al is still trying?)
6. long, and i mean LONG, and detailed reviews of grocery stores, television shows, movies, restaurants, and public bathrooms ("on a scale of 7/11 on university's bathroom to barnes & noble's, it's about a three."). 
7. the emergency brake pulled always and the house locked, even if you're in it.
8. laughter. mostly with him but sometimes at him.
9. a false-sense of confidence. if you marry a jeff stapleton, you might actually become less funny (gasp!). he is the best crowd. he will pee over cat videos and roll on the ground over a butt-joke. and your cooking will probably become worse, too (read #2 and #4...it's inevitable).
10. a whole lot of eyebrow raises because you must remember, you don't have much in common with jeff stapletons (besides that you both love fictional-character liz lemon, sourdough english muffins, thursdays, and each other), but that's what makes it fun, right? 

p.s. you're the luckiest. jeff stapletons are the best, after all.