Monday, December 15, 2014

Sometimes I feel like cringe-worthy moments just surround me. Truly. I remember one year, my friend Morgan and I were mooned every time we were in the car together alone. SERIOUSLY. I think in total, we were mooned eleven times. We were so used to people flashing their booties at us while driving that it seemed like NOTHING when it would happen. Actually, that's a lie. The sight of a stranger's butt gives me the shivers. Always.

I digress.
A cringe-worthy moment :

Today at work, a lady outright and confidently asked me if I was pregnant. Actually, she told me I was. "YOU ARE PREGNANT! When are you due?!"
No. No. No. No. No.
I could hear the words being formed in her mouth before she said them + I wanted to shout "FIRE!!!!" or start tap dancing or do anything to distract her from asking the most forbidden question. Ever.
I lied and told her that I had just eaten a lot of bread? Or something? Maybe it's my shirt? 
She scrambled to recover + told me it wasn't because I was biiiiiig, maybe it was just the wind? Maybe it the way I smelled? Maybe she was thinking of someone else?

After two long minutes of silence, she piped :
"Well you are glowing like a pregnant person."

A small consolation? 
I'll take it.

And another because it's Monday :

I was helping an older man find a sweater for his grand-daughter for an hour or so + after hunting down the perfect one (a Tommy Bahama half zip in coral. Ha.), I asked what size he thought she would be. 

He immediately starts staring at my boobs + scrunches his face. Meanwhile, I am wondering : is he doing what I think he is doing? Is he getting pervy old man on me?

Finally, after a minute of boob-oogling, he says, "Well, she's a bit more endowed then you, if you can believe it...maybe a size up!"

...if I can believe it?
So you were doing what I thought you were doing.
...and now I zip up my sweater + refuse to help you to your car. 


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