beauty tips for the mediocre looking and budgeted.

tell me you've read tina fey's bossypants. you have, haven't you? well, if you haven't, she has a chapter all about her beauty tips. she talks about her hot-sticks and creating a wardrobe completely full of 'express' and other laughable words of wisdom about looking youthful and fresh. after reading that (...and reading it again, and then listening to it twice on long road trips back from idaho; what? jeff + i love tina), i constructed this post in my brain all about my beauty snafus and pseudo secrets to my allure. it was all very funny and all very self-deprecating. 

but then last night happened. after one too many diet dr. pepper's and three hours on pinterest reading inspirational quotes that are probably not intended for people who spend three hours on pinterest...i got a bit self-righteous. these things happen. and so, without further adieu, i present to you: 

beauty tips for the mediocre-looking and mediocre budgeted: a post in which i take myself almost completely seriously and share with you my most favorite beauty secrets on the cheap. and no, i am not looking at anyone in particular in the picture below. i just like my profile, okay? 

and we're off!

• say it with me five times: st. ive's timeless skin + collagen elastin facial moisturizer. okay, you don't actually have to say it five times because golly, is it a mouth-full! but this moisturizer is butter. it comes in a giant tub and usually sits on the bottom shelf of most superstores and it's cheap. i usually slap on a hefty serving of this stuff right when i wake up, right before i go to bed, and right after i've put on foundation to make it look less cakey. and i use it everywhere. get creative if you must! in my nose, on my lips, all over my neck -- every nook and cranny, people. also apparently dr. oz dubbed this the best + cheapest facial moisturizer ever? promise i was using it before that. can we just give me credit, please?


• you've always wondered how i maintain my pumpkin-like glow, haven't you? answer(s): weird genes, a short stint working at the tanning booth, and, most importantly, banana boat summer color self-tanning lotion (in deep dark). i know, i know. a self-tanner, really? but quiet your skepticism because my classiest great aunt with an english accent and affinity for the finer things in life uses it so...you know. but! there is a method to this madness! and because i am taking myself very seriously, i shall divulge: 
1. take a shower that's extra-steamy (open ye pores!) and exfoliate with such gusto that your arms are sore the next day and your whole body is bright red.
2. dry off almost completely and slap on a thick layer of lotion and just let it sink in.
3. when it's almost completely sunken in to your skin, put s'more lotion on your awkward parts. no, not your lady business. your awkward parts. your knee caps, your ankles, your elbows, and your hands. 
4. grab the self-tanner and apply in circular motions. therapeutic, no? 
5. finish off with some more lotion (perhaps some that has a delightful fragrance? this stuff stinks) and wash your hands vigorously. 
6. now for the best part: spend the next two hours naked! or in a loose t-shirt and shorts if you have roommates or large glass windows. 
7. voila! your alabaster skin is a thing of the past and you're a tan little monkey! 
8. ...pray that you have no streaks. 
• let's talk about dry shampoo, okay? i had a moment during my senior year where i discovered dry shampoo and loved it...then i hated it, then i thought it was gross, then i thought it was great!, then i never showered ever!, then i threw it out and vowed to never use it again...and now, i like it conditionally. my conditions: dry shampoo is not a crutch or an excuse to never shower again and there are only a few good dry shampoos and only those should be used. i use (and love) dove invigorating dry shampoo. and you know what, i feel invigorated! i really do?


• if you're going to wear bright lipsticks, you must wax your upper-lip. if you wear powder foundation, you must wax your upper-lip. if you are on any branch of my family tree, you must wax your upper-lip (i'm blaming it on genes, people!). it's just sort of a twisted right-of-passage into ladyhood. i prefer to do it at home and use the gigi all-purpose honee and nuke it in the microwave for two minutes or so. it's given me no problems and i have fairly sensitive skin. i also use the non-woven waxing strips found at any beauty supply store. and i use obscenities, lots of 'em. 


• i'm going to shoot it to your straight: fill in your eyebrows. if your eyes are the windows to your soul, think of your eyebrows as the fancy drapes. was that the worst metaphor ever? i started filling mine in mostly because half of my eyebrow disappeared after i got in a bike accident (...i fell of my bike while trying to make a music video, but bike accident sounds far more traumatic); i'm fairly convinced i am going to sneeze it out one of these days. i use the eye brow pencil by m.a.c. and like it because it stays on throughout the whole day and doesn't look too harsh. or at least so i hope? 

there you have it, friends. the secrets to my allure. you were curious, no? i know you look to me as a beacon of beauty and healthy and youthfulness so, why not share? following these tips coupled with drinking at least 44 oz. of some soda riddled with fake sugar and syrup will have you looking like me in no time. and isn't that we all want? ;)