for me to remember...

my eldest brother is, amongst many things (including an almost-papa to a baby girl! i'm going to spoil that chunk come june!), an anthropology student. he's stuffed full of information + findings about the human race. at dinner this sunday, he told me that there is a new study that found that mommy bloggers are generally happy people because they choose to only share + highlight the highest and happiest moments of their life which 1.) makes them feel like their life really is that high + happy and 2.) gives them something sweet to reflect on months later when they forgot that the disneyland trip really wasn't all that merry.

interesting, no?

so, here's some high's and happy's for me to reflect on come three years when i forget all about the giant slush-puddle i stepped in today or the chronic headache i had for most the day... :


dear brooke three years from now,

please tell me you aren't pregnant? you aren't pregnant, are you? and for the love of pete, what is the state of jef + emily?

onwards. on this day, january 13th, three years ago, you had the most splendid day. let me tell you about it...

in utah, it was a balmy forty degrees. you said to hell! to work (because you say those kinds of things in 2013) and spent your day wandering the aisles of target+ playing in the almost-sun. you are so spontaneous in twenty thirteen! so spontaneous that you don't feel any anxiety at all when your schedule at work magically changes overnight or your sweet husband springs superbowl plans on you. you f l y by the seat of your pants! look at you go! you should highlight your hair, or something.

furthermore, you woke up on time. no wet-haired bun for you! your hair was perfectly coifed, per always, and you weren't wearing black-stretchy pants that you could kind of see-through in direct sunlight. pffft, you would never. also you weren't late like you always are for your job (...that starts at ten a.m...). oh wait, you didn't go to work! who am i kidding?

when you got home from your errands + adventures, dinner was cooked! the dishes were put away! and yes, you did smell dessert. there were no comments about your affinity towards microwave meals + cereal nights(!!). no, there was none of that! rather there was a display of chicken legs + fresh veggies + dinner rolls. what are the likes? there was also a mariachi band but you shooed them away because they kept giving you side-eyes due to your taut physique. that happens a lot in twenty thirteen, particularly from men with vihuelas.

and finally, it was bed time. oh how time flies, when you're having fun! and it's the last day of january, to boot.

hope 2016 is treating you nicely...and that you are not pregnant. p l e a s e say that you are not pregnant.

best of wishes,

brooke of 2013.

beauty tips for the mediocre looking and budgeted.

tell me you've read tina fey's bossypants. you have, haven't you? well, if you haven't, she has a chapter all about her beauty tips. she talks about her hot-sticks and creating a wardrobe completely full of 'express' and other laughable words of wisdom about looking youthful and fresh. after reading that (...and reading it again, and then listening to it twice on long road trips back from idaho; what? jeff + i love tina), i constructed this post in my brain all about my beauty snafus and pseudo secrets to my allure. it was all very funny and all very self-deprecating. 

but then last night happened. after one too many diet dr. pepper's and three hours on pinterest reading inspirational quotes that are probably not intended for people who spend three hours on pinterest...i got a bit self-righteous. these things happen. and so, without further adieu, i present to you: 

beauty tips for the mediocre-looking and mediocre budgeted: a post in which i take myself almost completely seriously and share with you my most favorite beauty secrets on the cheap. and no, i am not looking at anyone in particular in the picture below. i just like my profile, okay? 

and we're off!

• say it with me five times: st. ive's timeless skin + collagen elastin facial moisturizer. okay, you don't actually have to say it five times because golly, is it a mouth-full! but this moisturizer is butter. it comes in a giant tub and usually sits on the bottom shelf of most superstores and it's cheap. i usually slap on a hefty serving of this stuff right when i wake up, right before i go to bed, and right after i've put on foundation to make it look less cakey. and i use it everywhere. get creative if you must! in my nose, on my lips, all over my neck -- every nook and cranny, people. also apparently dr. oz dubbed this the best + cheapest facial moisturizer ever? promise i was using it before that. can we just give me credit, please?


• you've always wondered how i maintain my pumpkin-like glow, haven't you? answer(s): weird genes, a short stint working at the tanning booth, and, most importantly, banana boat summer color self-tanning lotion (in deep dark). i know, i know. a self-tanner, really? but quiet your skepticism because my classiest great aunt with an english accent and affinity for the finer things in life uses it so...you know. but! there is a method to this madness! and because i am taking myself very seriously, i shall divulge: 
1. take a shower that's extra-steamy (open ye pores!) and exfoliate with such gusto that your arms are sore the next day and your whole body is bright red.
2. dry off almost completely and slap on a thick layer of lotion and just let it sink in.
3. when it's almost completely sunken in to your skin, put s'more lotion on your awkward parts. no, not your lady business. your awkward parts. your knee caps, your ankles, your elbows, and your hands. 
4. grab the self-tanner and apply in circular motions. therapeutic, no? 
5. finish off with some more lotion (perhaps some that has a delightful fragrance? this stuff stinks) and wash your hands vigorously. 
6. now for the best part: spend the next two hours naked! or in a loose t-shirt and shorts if you have roommates or large glass windows. 
7. voila! your alabaster skin is a thing of the past and you're a tan little monkey! 
8. ...pray that you have no streaks. 
• let's talk about dry shampoo, okay? i had a moment during my senior year where i discovered dry shampoo and loved it...then i hated it, then i thought it was gross, then i thought it was great!, then i never showered ever!, then i threw it out and vowed to never use it again...and now, i like it conditionally. my conditions: dry shampoo is not a crutch or an excuse to never shower again and there are only a few good dry shampoos and only those should be used. i use (and love) dove invigorating dry shampoo. and you know what, i feel invigorated! i really do?


• if you're going to wear bright lipsticks, you must wax your upper-lip. if you wear powder foundation, you must wax your upper-lip. if you are on any branch of my family tree, you must wax your upper-lip (i'm blaming it on genes, people!). it's just sort of a twisted right-of-passage into ladyhood. i prefer to do it at home and use the gigi all-purpose honee and nuke it in the microwave for two minutes or so. it's given me no problems and i have fairly sensitive skin. i also use the non-woven waxing strips found at any beauty supply store. and i use obscenities, lots of 'em. 


• i'm going to shoot it to your straight: fill in your eyebrows. if your eyes are the windows to your soul, think of your eyebrows as the fancy drapes. was that the worst metaphor ever? i started filling mine in mostly because half of my eyebrow disappeared after i got in a bike accident (...i fell of my bike while trying to make a music video, but bike accident sounds far more traumatic); i'm fairly convinced i am going to sneeze it out one of these days. i use the eye brow pencil by m.a.c. and like it because it stays on throughout the whole day and doesn't look too harsh. or at least so i hope? 

there you have it, friends. the secrets to my allure. you were curious, no? i know you look to me as a beacon of beauty and healthy and youthfulness so, why not share? following these tips coupled with drinking at least 44 oz. of some soda riddled with fake sugar and syrup will have you looking like me in no time. and isn't that we all want? ;)

it's friday. thank heavens.

this morning i had to talk myself out of two outfits which both involved tattered leggings and a pair of god-forsaken ugg boots. so, yeah, t.g.i.f. and t.g.j.i.a.o. (thank goodness january is almost over -- i thought long and hard about that joke and still feel it's pretty vanilla. courtesy laughs?), know what i mean?

let's talk about this week. for starters, i drank (drunk? partook?) 88 oz. of diet coke at the sonic drive through on wednesday. well, lies: 44 oz. of diet dr. pepper and 44 oz. of diet coke (with lemon + vanilla!). and morgan + i always like to justify that there's a few handfuls of ice in each cup so...basically it's only like, 32 oz.... which isn't that bad. but it's so so bad. i did the math while in the kitchen (gasp! i cooked this week! well, nuked some ikea swedish meatballs, that is... i'm the worst) looking at my measuring cheat sheet. 88 oz. is basically 3 quarts which is almost, almost one gallon. 

...and now that we've gotten through one entire paragraph about my diet coke consumption and tendency to round numbers up to whatever sounds the best (...never ask me what time it is or how much i spent at target -- i will always round up or down depending on the situation...)...let's talk about target s'more. 

i ran to target today and only bought one thing. well, three. but a pink lady apple and soda to snack on are necessities. i didn't peek at their home decor section and only did a quick browse of their 70% off rack. is this adulthood? perhaps? have i finally outgrown my childish habits like not knowing the price of things ($5 for a box of honey bunches of oats is fair, right?) and buying things i don't need?

or laughing into my hand and doing the is anyone else feeling awkward about this?! look-around when colbie caillat's song 'bubbly' came on over the store speakers and she said she gets the tingles in a silly place? ...actually nope, haven't outgrown that one. c'mon colbie, a little discretion goes a long way.

happy friday, my dears.

edited to add: i am rereading this and cringing. i talked about...nothing. at all. this all reminds me of this time that i was browsing through my friend's middle school yearbook and was reading this long-winded, mushy  rambling...signed: love brooke mosman. i had no idea i was capable of writing something so terrible! that was the first time that i realized good grief, i am an annoying writer. and also that my handwriting has seriously gone down the tubes since eighth grade.
but hey, t.g.j.i.a.o.

ALMOST romantic.

this evening after work, i curled my hair, put on four layers of mascara, and outright demanded a steamy date night. our groupon to mt. fuji sushi bar was expiring, after all! and i had FOUR layers of mascara on! four layers of mascara is not just meant for sitting around the house, you know.

and, oh. was it steamy. jeff + i made intimate conversation and played footsie under the table as we sat...and sat...and sat waiting for the waitress to take our order (she made up for forgetting us with a free bowl of edamame. these things happen). it was downright romantic!

...and then it was all ruined when i said i had to make a quick stop at walmart on the way home to buy cloth waxing strips to take care of my lady stache. 

married people dates are a funny thing...

today i...

+ wore my most furriest jacket just to spite jeffrey. the jacket was almost a deal breaker for our relationship when he did the post-first date facebook browse and thought really? when i put it on this morning he gave me the same really? eyes so i gave him the we are sealed for eternity and now i am going to wear this all day long just to irk you! eyes. ...we get each other?

+ described myself as an insane person to my home teachers; ...it's so funny! i always just have thousands of little voices in my head and i never know which one is mine! they just gave me 'the blank stare' followed by 'the uncomfortable laugh.' (you pretend that human reactions are menu items sometimes too, yeah?)

+  took the longest, drooliest sunday nap.

+ analyzed, reanalyzed, and then analyzed again the group date we went on last night. or was it a date? either way, we brought my morgan-friend and kept making sister wive jokes that weren't getting much of a rise. at least we tried! (also, let it be known, morgan + i were on our a-game. jeff even said so! yet...no laughs? but polygamy jokes are funny? and so is bringing your best friend on group dates!)

+ taught sunday school class and kept doing 'the hand gun' at people. the world is my stage, folks!

to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die (the meet-cute of jeff + brooke)

i've said it once and i'll say it again: the courtship of brooke mosman + jeff stapleton was fast. but it really didn't feel all that speedy. i never felt rushed or panicked or out-of-control. rather i felt excited and invigorated and alive! exclamation point and more synonyms for the word excited!

that said, exactly one year ago from today, i met jeff stapleton. it was a frigid january day, much like this one, and i was skipping class to grab a diet coke (school is hard, you know?) and ran into my avery-friend. she begged me to walk her to class and we sat outside on a bench, freezing and chatting, when jeff + his friend walked up to chat with avery. they were family friends from california and cafeteria-buddies.

all i can remember is that we shook hands and he went on and on and on about how he had spray-painted the design on his baseball tee-shirt he was wearing. i was freezing and diet coke-less and was mildly interested...mostly because i though the was cute and partly because i found it interesting how interesting he found himself (self-indulgence will be a trait our kids will surely inherit). also how did avery have a friend i didn't know about?! i cute one, at that? the dreaded possessive friend, ready go!

intrigued and bored, i told avery about how i thought he was cute. and tan. and was he always like that? we facebook stalked him to insure that he was single (he was! very!) and normal (he was! sort of!). i remember scrolling through his statuses and one of them was: to die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.

...a sensitive type? or aren't those smith's lyrics? ...is he stable?

nonetheless, avery + i composed a hilariously forward message laced with wit and delight and movie quotes. in the light of the day, we composed one hell of a creepy message.

...and one week later, he called me and we went out (i think he needed some time to stew over the message)
and the rest is history. or something like that.

happy friday, friends! feel free to celebrate the meet-cute of jeff + i with some cryptic facebook statuses and a diet coke or three...i'm making up for old time's sake because, thinking back about it, i don't think i ever had one that day.

edited to add: jeff peeked over my shoulder and said that i am such a liar! apparently he mumbled three words about his shirt and claims that our whole encounter lasted less than thirty seconds. pffft.

five things you probably don't know about me and, subsequently, probably won't care to know.

his post has nothing to do with my dog. because, why would it? but here's a picture of her summing up how i feel about january. blergh. oh! interesting fact 5.1: i only sometimes like my dog. those sometimes are when a. i am with someone and trying to show off my warm and fuzzy side and b. ...shoot. maybe i only like her then. 

at five thirty, i marched in the door from work and told jeff all about my plans for the night. i was going to go to the gym and try to improve my swimming skills (i'm convinced my mother ripped me out of swim lessons too early leaving me floundering and gasping for breath at pool parties galore) once and for all and then i'd pick up some groceries? read a book? cook an actual meal? the world is my oyster!

but first, nap.

six (seven?) hours later, here i am. finally waking up from that nap.

oops.

the thing is, january is a rather uninspiring month. in fact, january sixteenth was declared the most depressing day on planet earth. and other people agree! talking about how lame january is is the new chevron on the blogosphere. but isn't it the truth? just today i tweeted that i would rather have a month full of mondays over january. did i just break a rule there? is it weird to talk about outside social networking activity on other social networks? ...probably not as weird as it is to ask rhetorical questions to yourself on your blog.

anyways, in the effort to make myself seem more interesting, let's play a game? this is going to be one of those real self-indulgent games where the game ends after my turn and it was clear i only played the game so that i could share my thoughts and feelings. and the game is called...

five things you probably don't know about me and, subsequently, probably won't care to know:

1. i'm a born thespian. which looks an awful like born lesbian and sometimes when i'm watching movies featuring gwyneth paltrow, emma stone, or meryl streep, i really think i could be. but no, a thespian. i had my first acting gig when i was nine as the little girl in a play called the doll house at the college near my house. i had one line and i'm fairly certain i cried my way through it. stage fright, it's real. i've been acting never since.

2.  during my senior year, i ate a beet for lunch almost every day. on that note, i think i'm three-parts rabbit. at parties, i strategically place myself right by the crudite platter and go wild; ranch dripping, carrot bits flying...i'm a party.

3. i'm a political machine. i had my first taste in politics as the sixth grade school president. wait...as i typed that out it doesn't feel right...a  part of me believes that i lost that election and am just trying to surpress those thoughts? perhaps? i did! i think i did! and now i am remembering i lost the election in eighth grade too. my running mate was my friend jordan and we made these terribly obnoxious posters and confidently plastered them all over the school...only to realize we had been blown away be our competitor and people found our slogans a bit...annoying. ha!

anyways, i was always involved in the student body in some way....some how. i just might be one of the most forgetful and lazy people i know, so it was always a good mix. my selling point during my speech for senior class president was my mom is kim mosman! and we all know she will plan some great reunions and class parties! in retrospect, it was all sorts of pathetic.

4. i went through a blonde moment. let's not talk about it.

5. i misspelled my middle name well up into my teen years. it wasn't until memorial day when we were visiting my grandfather's gravesite that i realized it. it was a tender moment, really. we were all reminiscing and admiring the new headstone when i became dumbstruck and just. kept. staring. my dad patted my back and asked if i was doing okay? ...is that really how grandma spells her name? b-a-r-b-a-r-a? it definitely lightened the mood. sure enough, i had been spelling my middle name b-a-r-a-b-a-r-a on all of my documents and papers up until then. great.

and now, off to try, try and sleep. and dream up my next political campaign.