because it's the middle of the week and nothing has happened...my most favorite snacks!

i am eating twenty three out of twenty four hours of the day. i need + have to be. i eat when i'm bored, i eat when i'm super happy, and i even eat when i'm running (gasp!)(yes, i've choked a few times or two). i'm a grazer. over the years, my budget and taste has changed...and also my metabolism came to a screeching halt..., so my snacks have had to change, too.

...this is all just one long-winded ramble to say that i am the fairy godsnacker! have i built credibility yet? can i cut your hair? onwards! below is a list of my favorite snacks in the universe that will blow your mind and rock your tastebuds...or will suffice on a particularly snacky sunday.

|| cucumber spicy sandwich: cut up a cucumber into small slice...or don't. it's up to you. but for the sake of this snack, cut up the cucumber! then! take two cucumbers and spread laughing cow cheese on one of 'em. grab some lunchmeat and put it in between the two cucumbers. holy balls! explaining this is hard! anyways, add some salt + pepper and, most importantly, a squirt of sriacha on the top. enjoy and think about me! 

|| rice cake hamburger...or something like that...: take a rice cake and make a personal decision to not compare it to cardboard. add low-fat (or full-fat! you do you, girl!) cottage cheese, salt and pepper, tomatoes, ice-burg lettuce, and some avocado. yummy, yummy, yummy. 

|| strawberry + spinach freeze: blend together a handful of frozen strawberries, spinach, + a wee bit of almond milk. oh! and a little spoon of vanilla. the consistency should be thick and...thick. you can freeze it for a bit longer to thicken it up a bit. sometimes i'll take some light cool whip and add it to the top, too. then eat! you can top it with granola or sliced bananas or...cheerios? 

|| pb+j to go!: take a spoonful of crunchy peanut butter + some frozen blueberries and stick it in your mouth. easy, peasy, lemon squeezy. 

|| apple sandwich: i've seen this one popping up all around pinterest and it makes my soul so happy. these are the best! core an apple and cut into little donut-like slices. add peanut butter, small chocolate chips, and granola and top with another apple slice. so, so good.

|| balsamic baby tomatoes: cut up some baby tomatoes, salt + pepper, and balsamic vinegar. then thank me. try with cucumbers, too! 

|| sweet, sweet potato: ha, my names are pathetic. but! i'm a huge fan of sweet potatoes. i eat 'em topped with anything. one of my most favorite toppings are...blueberries! weird, eh? i take blueberries and laughing cow cheese and add them to my sweet potato...and then i do a few fist bumps over the flavor. 

|| one minute apple-pie in a cup: apple pie in a cup?! what a notion! take sugar-free applesauce and put it in a cup...or a bowl. actually, put it in a bowl. microwave for one minute and top with frozen yogurt, light cool-whip, chocolate chips, slivered almonds, walnuts...you get the point.

|| no-need for explanation: beets, tuna fish, and diet coke straight outta the can. 

and now to end this, a picture of me + my friend morgan on a run this afternoon. we mostly wanted to show off the difference in our workout attire (...i look like rocky balboa and she looks fashionably fit; investing in cute workout clothes always pains me...), but also wanted to brag about how we went running. you can clap now.

...are you still clapping? good. 

time to foil my reputation: i don't do small talk.

the hard truth is, i have always been too lame to have rumors started about me. 

it's true! and it kind of stinks? it's like in junior high when you secretly hoped that your house would get teepeed because it meant people were thinking about you. was that just me? excuse me while i turn off my avril lavigne cd and wipe away my tears...

now, back to the point: i was. i was lame. my boobs weren't nearly perky or big enough to look fake, i was too lazy to entangle myself in girl-drama, and my parents never appeared to be apart of the mafia or anything of the like. it wasn't that i was well-liked, it's just that i was boring. 

but there is one common misconception that seems to follow me everywhere (see, the picture is me trying to run from these fallacies! it's metaphorical and stuff!). it is, that drum roll please, brooke has great social skills. 

(now i promise this isn't one of those times where i am pretending to put myself down but am really outright bragging. trust me, i am shameless enough to do it less subtly...like this! everyone loves my eyebrows...i wonder why? they stink. but really they rock.)

for years, i have always been placed in school-groups where i am so obviously the person that's supposed to bond everyone together to sing kumbaya. i usually get placed in odd seating arrangements and am summoned to talk to weird cousins at family reunions (other people's family reunions, mind you!). i'm the buffer.

but i stink at it. sure, i can talk to anyone...but i really can't talk about any thing.

for example: 

at the bridal store i work at, there is a lot of time for chatting. whether you are helping a bride into a gown in the dressing room or are sitting with the bride's family as they are delibirating, there is silence and it needs to be filled.

while most people would bring up the weather or...chrismas decorations?, i always find myself asking does it hurt your hoo-ha's to breastfeed? and how'd it feel to have that big thing come out of the birth canal? and ...you can be honest, is she your favorite child or no? 

just the other day i found myself telling a bride's mom that...

i want to be pregnant for fifteen straight years of my life! i want to have so many children that i don't even know half of their names. i just want them running around biting at my ankles. my poor lady parts.

she nodded and, remarkably, daughter didn't buy the dress.

i feel like i am an over-sharer, too. it just makes me feel comfortable. i almost feel like the person talking to me can just sense that peeing on airplanes thrills me or that i really don't mind drip-drying. why not just let it out? plus, you have to fill that natural pause in the conversation with something...right?

...now that i have rambled, can we talk about your biggest insecurity? or dark stories from your childhood? who's your least favorite sibling? 

my life in bullet points...because that's efficient and i am too.

|| did i tell you guys about this already? kim mosman is baby hungry. well, grandbaby hungry. she sends me subtle hints all day long. 

texts that read: wouldn't it be fun to have a baby right now? or I WANT LOTS OF GRANDCHILDREN or sometimes brooke, if you had a child right now, your MILF title would be locked + loaded for years to come (just kidding, she never texted me that...but that is a legitimate thought i had while sniffing someone else's baby at work the other day. don't tell me you don't sniff babies at think about milf-hood?). 

on valentine's day, she even deposited money in my account to buy a sexy outfit in exchange for an honest attempt at making her grandchild...oh, how things have changed. and isn't that borderline prostitution? in some twisted, tilt-your-head-and-squint-your-eyes way? oh, kim.

|| last week i went on a gloriously long run. that's right, gloriously long. because i exercise + occasionally enjoy it and that makes me relevant (i feel the need to tell everyone that i exercise because my lady pooch screams 'i am a couch potato!' and also 'i eat a lot of carbohydrates!' ....so, there's that). seeing as utah has the most unpredictable weather, i dressed as if i was going to be running through a blizzard...which, at first, i was. thirty minutes later i was dying of heat. i stripped down near a gas station and buried my clothes in the most secretest of spots. i came back an hour later and it was gone! someone stole all my clothes! it was parent trap status except for the fact that i don't have a long lost twin nor was i butt-nacked (or is it buck? no matter). 

...the purpose of that story was 97% to tell you guys that, again, i work(ed) out. nod your head in approval! are you doing it? 

|| morgan + i went to my friend from high school's basketbal game on saturday. she's on the gonzaga team + i love to bring that up whenever i am feeling inadequate. oh, you are studying astro-physics? well my friend plays college basketball. and is black. 

anyways, it was a fairly boring game and then...senior night hit. for some odd reason, morgan + i became emotional messes. it was touching! four years of basketball! passion! devotion! friendship! 

|| i locked my keys in my car on sunday and fell to the ground screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

no seriously, i did.

|| my rad in-laws were in town this past weekend and stayed in a big, fancy cabin in midway. my...nephew...in-law? can i claim him as my nephew? i'm going to. anyways, my nephew and i are making loads of progress. when he was first born, i had a terrible cold + had not quite married into the family...and i think i was wearing a low-cut top? in other words, i was losing. i sat in that hospital room and nearly died from holding in all my coughs. so. much. pressure.

but i didn't cough on him this weekend! and i held him for twenty-seven seconds and he didn't squirm away! motherhood is going to look so...something on me.

|| riddle me this: if your significant other was on the bachelor, would you pick 'em? knee-jerk-reaction: YES OF COURSE! but would you really? jeff + i had a deep discussion of this over dinner and decided maybe? i feel like my sarcasm would be highly misleading  + i am kind of too lazy to really fight for love and time at rose ceremonies. plus, hot tubs make me woozy. also i think i would expend most of my energy towards getting camera time + subtly breaking the fourth wall. 

|| i met my sweet cousin jennie for sushi in logan, utah on president's day. she is completely + totally pregnant and i out-ate her by a long shot. so that's cute.

|| I MISS MY FAMILY + i am seeing them in a few weeks...i decided to stop with the capital letters because didn't you feel like i was yelling at you? 

|| i randomly decided to email a friend from high school yesterday + spill my life and adoration for...his girlfriend. it was one of those things that i regretted right after i sent it but hey, some things need airing out. the email was supposed to be light + airy but in the light of day...it was totally creepy. like, real bad. why do i do these things? WHY?!

happy monday, people. 

life lessons from the star wars.

...so back to valentine's day: i like to make a big deal of it. partially because i love the holidays and partially because if i set the bar super high, people have got to match it, right? oh gosh. vocalizing that made me realize i'm a horrible person...at least i'm having a good hair day?

anyways, i forfeited thirteen hours and twenty three minutes of my life to jeffrey stapleton. and the star wars. i remember when we started dating and the fact that i had never seen the star wars came to the surface, it was almost and actually a deal breaker. since then, i have avoided the subject at all costs. but he kept reminding me that, as marshall eriksen said so poetically, "the only people in the universe who haven't seen the star wars are the characters in the star wars...and that's 'cause they lived 'em!"

so i watched them. i did! well, partially! it was rough. and i fell asleep a few times and occasionally would browse my instagram feed underneath a blanket. but it's done + and it's over + now can we move on from this and focus on my other qualities? the fact that i had never seen the star wars really started to eclipse 'em.

and now, life lessons i've learned from the star wars: (scroll, scroll!) 

1. never underestimate the super-hairy, the seemingly illiterate, or the small + green. they might just sacrifice their life and save your son! 
2. bras are not a priority in advanced societies. at all. 
3. drug-smuggling vagabonds and boys with stalker-like tendencies (and rat tails!) will always get the girl. this is me shaking my head at the female gender.
4. that bartender was totally a racist. 
5. when in doubt, throw on a gold bikini. 
6. shoot, these movies are long. 
7. old people are locked vaults when it comes to secrets. your father could very well be the most powerful man in the galaxy + you could very well be kissing your estranged brother...and your weird great uncle just hasn't bothered to tell you? elderly people are the literal worst.
8. hans shoots first. 
9. don't play with open fire or anything dangerous while jeff is watching the star wars. because he truly and honestly won't care or avert his eyes from the television. 
10. "size matters not." ...except sometimes. winky face. 

happy day after valentine's day, friends.

if you talked to me on a monday or on wednesdays around 3, i would tell you that i positively hate valentine's day. it's so in-your-face. so mainstream. so gushy and forced, you know? want me to tell you all about bands you've never even heard of? (i am all sorts of pretentious on mondays; it's just sort of a thing). but since it's friday + i had to refrain from publicly defending rebecca black today at work (...what? she's catchy!), i suppose i'll be full-disclosure and say: i love valentine's day.

i really do! we decided to keep it very low-key and jeff stapleton caught on: low-key means ...i still expect you to make a whole production out of this but want to appear like i'm a fun + cool wife...'cause i am! he brought me breakfast in bed in the morning (...which is actually very uncomfortable if you were wondering). he made me a smoothie + spared me by telling me later in the day that we had ran out of almond milk and he had handed me a milkshake with a few strawberries, essentially. bless him.

at work, a ups man came in with flowers and asked me if i was brooke stapleton. oh! me? brooke stapleton? yes. i am. are those flowers for me? are you delivering me flowers? ...i'm such a douche. i kept the everybody look at me, i got flowers! act up all day and brought it up whenever the conversation permitted. or didn't. because publicly accepting that you are and are going to continue to act like a douche is all sorts of freeing.

am i saying the douche word on my blog? i should probably go bra-less, too.

we ended the night with...oh did i tell you i got flowers?...dinner at a sort of slimy pizza spot. i wore a blazer and an extra three swipes of mascara so it was in fact a fancy dinner date. they even had a salad bar! and a grouchy waitress who reminded us that the endless breadsticks were not for sharing! girl, please.

in summation: i love valentine's day. and i especially love my valentine's day with jeff stapleton. and i'm being so braggy right now; want to hear some of my personal achievements in life? no. okay. done.

in which i prove that i have no life experience...

balls, guys. is it already february thirteenth? i fear that i have made this joke before on the blog, but i am some sort of a deadbeat dad to this blog. i pop up sporadically, mostly around major nationally recognized holidays, and just pretend like nothing is wrong! i've always been here! two weeks is nuttin' kid, let's go get a snow cone and watch an edgy film that your mother would disapprove of! 

...in case you were wondering, my fictional deadbeat dad drives a motorcycle and is a golf instructor. also he cheers too loud at high school games and sometimes, sometimes tries to squeeze himself into the student section. oh, ralph. also, in case you were wondering, i'm essentially describing tim riggins' father. and yes, most of my life experiences do come from television series on netflix.

but it's almost valentines day! and just like a deadbeat dad would do, i am going to come swooping in all charismatic and charming that you will hardly remember that i've been gone for the past two weeks. and shoot, so much has happened. well, sort of.

like! my sister came to town. yes, the hott one. and yes, she's still fourteen. it was a ball. though i felt all sorts of pathetic when she was telling her friend on the way to the airport all the fun stuff that we did;

"we...uh...wandered ikea and looked for wedding dresses at d.i. and...ate a lot of stuff and went to walmart and sonic..."

eh, so maybe i'm not the most exciting person on paper. or in person, but it's no matter. i'm a gracious host and even stocked the fridge for her! ...right, paige?

this all reminds me of my point: i am not that exciting. a few days ago, i read jenna's post about how lame she is and my neck hurts from nodding in agreement (ain't she funniest?). i. am. so. lame. about me sections and get-to-know you games are my enemy. in fact, today at an interview i was asked to 'tell a little about myself' and it went something like this...:

"well, i'm brooke. as you know. from the paper. and umm...i like...biking. well, not really. i like, buying things. anything, really! even groceries. i like...my...family..."

it was painful for the both of us. i just kept nodding to make up for the long silences and at one point we made such intense eye contact i kind of peed myself out of discomfort. needless to say, i was hired immediately and am already employee of the month!

speaking of work, i laced up a man in a prom dress the other day with my lauren-friend. by the end of the appointment, we both had lady-crushes on him and determined that cobalt blue was his power color. life is funny sometimes?

...and that makes me sound all sorts of exciting, right?

au revoir, january!

january was my month of complaining. you have to have one, right? i complained about the freezing weather + lack of snow, and then i complained about the taunting blue skies + piles of snow, and then i complained about the rain + the black ice it created (understandably so!), and finally i complained about all of the slush. what was my deal? why did no one shove a pillow over my face?

but now that january is going, going, gone, i sort of miss it? as i was looking through my pictures taken this last month, i realize that amidst the plummeting bank account (january was expensive) and frozen car rides (...i'm too impatient to wait for my car to dethaw in the mornings), there was a whole lot o' good. or maybe i'm just really good at looking super happy in pictures? maybe?

:: we celebrated our one year of knowing each other!, oh heavens...is that embarrassing? :: moscow friends that are also provo friends are the literal best :: ...i was happy about my eyebrow shape? :: we have been forfeiting our date nights to groupon and this place was t h e nastiest :: 

:: fortunately, the aforementioned mexican restaurant felt bad and gave us a complimentary dessert? :: my new year's secret resolution to eat healthier went to the crapper the second i started making brownies. i was in a grouchy, grouchy sugar coma :: i got a new self-timer app and have been using it to capture all of our sweetest memories that are coincidentally always at mcdonald's over ice cream sundaes + dollar drinks ::

:: i said goodbye to one of my sweetest friends, avery. she is off on a 18 month mission to serve the people of atlanta! it was a sad + happy night. also, please ignore my outfit?

:: no explanation necessary :: i got a new job as a bridal consultant and i love it and all of my coworkers! happy days! :: waking up to this face. the simple things in life. :: blue skies! ::

:: i've discovered that the showers at the gym have consistently hot water + so much counter space. more gym incentives! :: ...we are that annoying tablet couple. :: my well dressed man! who poses so wonderfully? no wait, this is candid... ;) :: my new job is right next to firehouse subs (...and yogurtland; hello, love handles!) and it has a magic drink machine. 44 oz. always.

goodbye, january!