airplaneness.

 

why am i incapable of having a normal airplane experience? you know, one where security is a breeze, where the airplane leaves on the schedules time, and where i have a normal conversation with the person next to me. or no conversation. either or.

maybe the person would be middle-aged? slightly  overweight? maybe they’d show me pictures of their little kids or their grandbabies or their…cats? maybe we’d talk about the weather or their favorite kardashian or how they like their steak?

one can only hope.

yesterday my mother and i drove up to spokane in the morning so that i could fly back to provo. she helped me get my bags (3 of them! what is wrong with me?!) out of the car, walked me to the terminal, and hugged me goodbye…only to pick me up a few hours later for a lunch at olive garden due to a broken down speedometer (my friend alyssa: “what are they going to do?! give us a ticket in the AIR?!”) and a six-hour delay. SIX HOURS (did i mention you were only allowed twenty minutes of free wifi? TWENTY MINUTES?!).

after lunch, i returned to the terminal and spotted a cute boy. or was he cute? or was i just hoping he was? no matter (let’s disregard the fact that he was carrying on a conversation with his two friends SO LOUDLY whilst having two headphones in…what are you listening to?). i noted his cuteness (or something?) and hoped that my seat would be in his general vicinity on the plane.

four hours later, we boarded. i sat next to the window with two vacant seats beside me and a “HI! I’M AVAILABLE” look on. perfect.

he sat right behind me…headphones still in. two twelve-year-old siblings plopped themselves right next to me and i decided to strike up conversation. they probably already regarded me as a role model, right? i asked them about school and christmas and what their favorite soda was (when did i get so bad at talking to twelve-year olds?) but the little girl was antsy to end the small talk and when there was a lull in the conversation she jumped in and told me she had a boyfriend. who was sixteen? and had better abs than her brother?

right.

i thought this was an opportune moment to intervene. i told her that she needed to play hard-to-get with him, and that she should be careful that he’s so much older. i encouraged her brother to be protective of her and make sure she makes good decisions with him.

somehow this conversation segued into how hot the guy sitting behind us was? she told me that she was going to ask for his name and that she found him SO HOT…hotter than her boyfriend, even! she asked me how old i thought he was and i said that he was definitely double her age. probably as old as her oldest brother? or weird uncle? or REALLY OFF LIMITS?

she took this as an invitation to take off her sweatshirt and reveal her spaghetti strap tank top. oh, hi. i thought about talking to her about the art of dressing mysteriously and of layering so much that you conceal your actual body shape because that’s sexy, right? fortunately for the both of us, the flight attendant came to pass out peanuts and pretzel and take our drink orders.

the (HOT!) boy behind us told his brothers (LOUDLY! why do you still have your headphones in? but HI!) how he preferred peanuts over pretzels to which my twelve-year-old flight companion whipped around and gave him her peanuts. is that suggestive?

five minutes later, the attendant came with the drinks and handed her a coke zero that “tasted SO weird! like it had JACK DANIELS IN IT!” (she was yelling).

the flight ended shortly after. i really think i made a good impression on them?

p.s. the boy told me (headphoneless) while we were at baggage claim that he was disappointed that his twelve-year-old girlfriend didn’t give him her number–maybe he’d have to find her on facebook, or something? maybe even myspace? …right when he finished talking i whipped off my sweatshirt and conveniently had on my spaghetti strap black tank top. yum.

but now i’m home. and it’s the first day of school! and could the bachelor be any more dramatic this season?! and why is the season preview so telling?