who is john kerry, anyways? || confessions of a lowly journalism major.

( this is my sister paige. who, yes, is perfect. the reason for this picture? mostly i don't have any crummy iphone pictures to throw up here but also, go follow her on twitter. she's so funny. i feel like i need to share this with the world as one does in the wee hours of the morning... )

it's 1:39 a.m. and my alarm is set for 5:15 a.m.
maybe i should start hitting my palm to my face now? *face-palm*

but i can't sleep.
so here's a story:

i'm in the journalism program for reasons including : it's a fast major, i love to write, it involves no math, refer back to reason number one.
i mean, do i want to be a hard-hitting journalist for the wall street journal? meeeeeh. hard pass.
on the first day of class, we had to write our end-goals as a journalist. mine involved having my own little space of creativity + wit in a magazine about food or fitness or...cosmopolitan? i would happily give out unfounded relationship advice + list the top trends in hair + decide whether an outfit is sexy or skanky for the rest of my career as a journalist...and also maybe having my own talk show once i learn how to keep my facial expressions under control?

they are far-fetched and undoubtedly warranted a load of eye rolls from the communications department. but they are mine!

...also, related : we are required to read the new york times and are given a quiz about the top stories. oh, if you were to hear some of my answers. like,
why is dennis rodman in the news? ... he's wearing a wedding dress again?
answer : north korea...something or other.

who is john kerry + why is he relevant?
(this is embarrassing! it hurts!) ... he ran for president in 2004? and he is going to try again?
answer : he is the secretary of state. you nerd.

(... and my favorite answer that wasn't mine but was my sydney-friend's* ... )
who is nancy pelosi?
a very popular news anchor.
answer : the former speaker of the house.

bah!
i caved under pressure!
what happened to me?!

...in other news, a nyc gym shames miley cyrus + should i go more brunette?
awww, yes. this is home.



 *names have been changed because of privacy + such. or maybe they haven't? hrmph.

and her small heart grew three sizes that year...

this past year, i feel like i have learned how to love things so hard. let me explain:

i never really bought into the idea of love and all of its trappings. the thought of a guy somewhere in the world holding half of my heart really made me want to vomit (the visual!). i always scratched my head at the stories where a homely girl meets a vampire and falls in love with him and becomes this sparkling goddess vampire slayer (...twilight...). why did i need a man to make me glitter in the sunlight? turn up the destiny's child, will ya?

i already felt complete. unquestionably single, but complete.

my roommate in college and one of the three people i feel comfortable using the term best friend with, avery, is your token cool friend. you know what i mean? we had a sort of hunter-gatherer relationship where she would hunt and gather all prospective friends...and i would sit in our room watching netflix with my retainer in. it was a truly beautiful thing. she validates the fact that, because you are friends with her, you are partially cool. you have to be! 

"sorry ma'am, but you are not allowed to be at this party for the world's most elite, i'm going to have to ask you to..."

"...but i'm friends with avery miyahara!"

"oh! in that case! come on in, person dressed like a colonial lady! welcome to the world's most elite party! have a mini corndog?"

you following? i swear, if sweet mary and joseph and just told those pricks of innkeepers that they knew avery miyahara, the entire christmas story would have gone a lot differently. they would have been put up at the finest establishment! is this irreverent? this is irreverent. onwards!

avery and i performed magic in our tiny dorm room at 1121 chipman. those two semesters together, my cool-avery silently helped me to whittle away all the dumb stuff that had burdened my soul all through high school. suddenly, all my insecurities just seemed kind of, well, stupid. thick thighs? pffft. a permanent food baby? pfffft. more-than-occasional upper lip hair? pff...actually, no. that one still sucks. 

in sum, i became complete. 

and then i met jeff.

oh, jeff. 

this past year together has helped solidify the fact that yes, i was still a complete person without him and am still that same complete person with him. meeting him didn't make my skin glitter or freeze my blood or anything major. he didn't come bearing half of my heart (the visual! gross!) or suddenly make me realize that i was a ten-cow woman. t-rust me, i already knew that (joking!). 

but he did make me love things harder. it was like on the grinch where his heart grows three times bigger; i loved things more. three times more, in fact! fountain drinks, television shows, even my idaho and family, things i already loved, i loved more. 

...and, unfortunately for you all subjected to my selfies or occasional brag-fest, this i loved myself more, too. jeff took all the things i already loved about myself and shouted them back at me lovingly. you do have the best taste in apples, brooke! you are suspiciously attractive when you sweat, brooke! (i glisten guys, i really do!) you do find the best drive-through salads, brooke! 

it's like jeff has blown up my heart so big that it could burst; case-in-point: i commented on a friend's instagram the other day that 'my heart was warm' after looking at her pictures. what? when did i become affectionate? (answer: still not; let's not hug, ya?)(kidding!)

i love that boy. more than i love myself, i promise. and i love that 2013 is like this big plot of land with fresh snow that i can't wait to defile. 

the society of halloween-likers

i think the international society of halloween-likers heard my halloween grumpiness this morning. did i tell you i don't like halloween? i don't like halloween. but i did like this halloween.

this halloween, you see, was different. i almost felt like the byu student body decided that the theme for this year's costumes was 'brooke's favorite things.' link from legends of zelda was serenading me on the piano with the overworld theme, sporty spice was sitting three seats away from me in statistics, and there was a 'binder full of women' washing her hands in the bathroom. and i'm 30% positive i saw a few von trapp children? stop it halloween, now you're just showing off!

and my test was easy today? i answered questions with confidence? when does this happen!

this halloween (i've committed to bolding this...just go with it) i ate four servings of the most delicious tortilla soup from a chili cook-off at my work. even though tortilla soup isn't chili? and i even snuck some home to the jeff-man so i didn't have to cook dinner. because i do that so much anyways.

side-note: my work is fun and young and hip and decided to mandate dressing up. well, sort of. i didn't want to be a party pooper and poop on their party (gross...), so i scrambled for a costume five minutes before leaving. i decided to be a forest ranger. or maybe i was a girl scout leader? i really just ended up looking like a butch, if we're being frank.

see?

on the bright side, i was the designated candy-passer-outer for my side of the building and i think my ovaries about exploded from all the little kid cuteness. my favorite was a bashful little boy dressed up as the old man from up. or maybe it was the princess who responded "i know..." when i told her she was the prettiest princess in the whole wide world. be still my soul...

this halloween, we ended the night at a obligatory (but so cute and slightly spooky!) holiday-appropriate movie at the dollar theater paranorman. the send-home message was adorable-- people are different and we should love and listen to them, no matter how crazy we may think they are. plus there was some gay-tolerance subliminal messaging, or at least i'm almost sure, and that coupled with a large tub of popcorn never hurt anyone! and it was a little risque? but it's halloween. and risque, we shall!

so this is me throwing my hands up, dearest society of halloween-likers, because this halloween was actually pretty darn great. and now my sugar-high begins to fall...

happy halloween!

real coke?

there are very few things that truly rev my engines (politically)(sexually...that's another story)(only kidding!). very few things that would make me hold a picket sign or strain my vocal cords from chanting. is that bad? i am sort of, kind of sometimes easily swayed. i have my firm beliefs on the big things (uggs are ugly but in some specific situations, extremely practical; a movie is the worst first date; eggs with a1 or ketchup, only), but on the little things...eh, i'm kind of here and there. 

i remember one time in writing class, my teacher told us all about the wild horses and how they should be allowed to roam freely! forever! she used so much pretty language and exaggerated arm movements that i left the class nearly shouting: "FREE THE HORSES!" another time i was at the farmer's market and a man told me if i signed his petition for more money towards nursing homes, he'd give me a free hamburger coupon and sign it i did! all caps, even! (...and that was the best hamburger i've ever eaten, by golly!)

just give me a compliment and the promise of free food, and i am on your team! go us! out to change the world, one wild horse at a time! 

as i was walking home today, i noticed a group of young men handing out fliers. and free soda. i marched over to them and asked what they were all about? and can i have one of those? they told me that they were out to change byu-- they were petitioning to have caffeinated soda on campus!

it might have been the fact that they handed me a REAL coke (you guys! jeff did some silly calculations and realized that if we buy the shasta knock-offs instead of REAL diet dr. pepper and diet coke, we will save something like $500 a year? say what?)or the fact that one of the boys complimented my skirt, but i am all about it! go us! out to change the world, one caffeine buzz at a time!

but in all seriousness, please give us some straight coke, byu? and do you really like my skirt? 

...let the wild horses roam free!

the real college experience?

In Provotown, I live in my own little bubble of happy-go-luckiness where the shorts are to the knees and the Diet Cokes are caffeine free (I realize I’m exhausting this subject). In my little bubble, handfuls of pregnant people roam the aisles of Macy’s frozen food section at midnight and restaurants are closed on Sundays. In my little bubble, eyes are trained to look at the left ring finger and coming from a family of eight is no longer a gut-buster.

With all that said, during my power-vacation back to Moscow, I thought a little Provo-detox was in order; I was losing my edge and beginning to coo over precious things like kittens and babies and cringe at the sound of curse words that used to make me giggle. I felt like my life was turning into a mini-Disneyland(without lines and inevitable family freakouts, even!).

Thus(!), the Real College Experience. Thus, Stubblefield’s Summer Fun Foam Party. A Thursday night filled with smutty outfits, provocative dancing, and…foam. College, Real college.

At 9:00, I began searching for my perfect clubbing outfit that would highlight my best features: my personality and intellect. I decided on khaki shorts that hit just above the knee and a black shirt with some gladiators achieving the ‘risque-tourist’ look that I wasn’t aiming for. I then contemplated brushing my hair, applied 4 layers of mascara, and swiped on deodorant, for good measure. Watch out, Stubblefields!

10:00 rolled around and I was truly ready to get down. Granted I had been for the last hour; my naivety to The Real College Experience became apparent–when did all fun things commence after 11?

Finally, 11. As I drove over there with my burly crew in tow, I began brainstorming ways of incorporating the foam into my sexy dance moves. When we arrived at 11:20, I was highly intimidated. So many legs, so many midriffs, so much…foam. I knew I had to act cool and quickly headed toward the dance floor where I rotated through my only known salacious dance moves that included a lot of popping, locking, jazz hands and The Overbite.

From 11:20-1:45 I stared at lots at couples on the dance floor, in the cages, and on the couches. I also choked on the foam(incorporating foam into my dance moves: fail.) repeatedly. I averaged around seven panicked bathroom trips where I covered the toilet in three layers of toilet paper and checked my favorite mommy blogs.

In other words, my early bedtime habits, fear of tight spaces, and knack for being The Anti-Sexy are clearly not suitable to The Real College Experience. I’m just too lame.

In other words, I am headed back to my Provotown tonight. And I will be sipping caffeine-free Diet Coke(lie) and singing Disney show tunes the whole way back(serious lie).

 

Disclaimer: this post was a little exaggerated. Provotown really isn’t that Disney. And I’m not really that un-sexy; well, maybe.

summer, as told by my phone.

1. The large $1.67 Diet Coke I would drag myself across the street to Wendy’s for when I got real desperate (the caffeine free Diet Coke offered all over BYU campus was just not conducive to my lifestyle).
2. Routine mid-day nap: ruined!
3. San Francisco with my brothers. Is that a gang sign of sorts, Chad?
4. The forsaken psychology class that occupied my Monday and Wednesday mornings and was also the recipient of all words cursed during my BYU experience.
5. My father breaking up the wedding day preparation with a cheer about…weddings?
6. Reading. Reading. Reading. How did I just discover Life of Pi?
7. Pie day in cooking class! Mine is the square one. Hey, I passed…with a B+.
8. Fish tacos that blew my mind in Laguna (no Kristen, no LC; just fish tacos).
9. One of the manymanymany pictures I sent to my mom to prove that I was, indeed, making an effort to look like I was not born in a barn.
10. One of the manymanymany pictures I sent my mom to prove that I was wearing makeup. And that my hair had grown!
11. The lovely Three Arch beach in Laguna. I could have just stayed there forever.
12. A lovely view of the great Salt Lake City from a rock that reminded me of the Lion King. A Rafiki/Simba reenactment soon followed.
13. The most charming little boy ever who told me that I was his “ Fourth of July girlfriend.” Now if only I could find a “Christmas,” “Birthday,” and “Valentine’s Day” boyfriend.
14. Tina Fey’s Bossypants accompanying me to a quick trip to Portland, Oregon. Miss Fey earned me a total of 342 strange looks in the airport when I would burst out laughing over and over again.
15. I’m a hoarder…but it all fit! Now lets just cross our fingers for my fall wardrobe.
16. Snapping a quick and creepy picture of my friend Phil at Walmart. Just look at that outfit? I could die.
17. One of the manymanymany jobs that I applied for while in Provo. I believe this one is to be a janitor at a Laundromat. My diminishing bank account has no shame.
18. For a few days I pretended to like running long distances willingly and obviously had to document the rare moment.
19. Shopping at my favorite store in Moscow, The Storm Cellar, and scoring a wonderfully sheer white dress. Score! It is also polyester. Score?
20. Finally back in Moscow for a few days realizing that nothing has changed in Moscow…besides a frozen yogurt place! We are officially a town! (Alpine vanilla yogurt, granola, coconut flakes, mangoes, kiwi, and every berry offered topped with a little bit of honey—heaven in a bowl).
21. Oh! One more thing changed. Jason wears man tanks now. And also lives in Hawaii. That’s almost as great as a frozen yogurt place, almost.

my summer: a pizza.

 

January 7th: The day that Britney Spear’s released her brilliantly mainstream single ‘Hold it Against Me’ for the whole world to hear.

I remember how confused I was that day, sweet January 7th, driving my light blue Corolla across the icy streets of Moscow to procure an equally icy $1.06 Diet Coke at McDonald’s. The radio was dialed to the always-trusty Z-Fun 106.1 and the playlist had been a rotating mix of Lil Wayne, T-Pain, and annoyance.
Still driving, the music became apart of the background; nothing but mere noise. Until my ears were met with sweet, sweet bliss and felt like they were in ear drum heaven. Britney Spears was blaring over my sound system (ALL CAPS!) Could that be Britney? Has she finally come back? BRITNEY?! I was so excited to hear her voice again, singing raunchy lyrics in a sexy voice to a catchy beat–the familiarity felt like the wearing the coziest, most favorite-est sweater after a long, hot summer.
But then I remember thinking: Wait…I don’t even really like Britney. Why am I so excited to hear her? Why are my inner thoughts in italics?

Answer: Because she left. And shaved her head. And popped out a few children. And was once married to K-Fed. And now she’s back.

Perhaps I was trying to generate the same feelings with the few blog readers that I have. I wanted you guys to miss me and my raunchy lyrics just liked I missed Britney; I wanted you to forget how much you really didn’t like me and be blinded by your cravings for my return.
And I’m back! Fortunately during my three-month blog hooky I didn’t shave my head or have a baby or get married to a back up dancer. I did, however, have the best summer of my life to date! I feel like I did so much and combined so much great stuff into one that it should be illegal; my summer was like a romantic-comedy-drama that starring Meryl Streep, Dianne Keaton, Meg Ryan AND Jennifer Anniston. And Ryan Gosling. Set in Italy. With a wonderful soundtrack and lovely resolve. A movie that makes you pee your pants laughing and cry from happiness and sadness and allergies-ness.
Or maybe it’s like a pizza. That has pepperoni and sweet onions and bell peppers and sausage and pineapple and pine nuts and bacon and basil and pesto and a thin crust dough and tomato-y sauce and mushrooms, lots of mushrooms (‘lots of mushrooms’: that is not a hint about how I spent my summer…mind you, I was at BYU). But it also has zero calories and doesn’t cause my stomach to break out in WWIII fifteen minutes later. Yeah, like a pizza.
In other words, it was too good to be true.
And now it’s over.
And now I’m back…and craving pizza.

in which brooke gets accepted into college.

There are not many things I am sure of regarding the future. Questions are perpetually being churned about in my mind: is my more-than occasional trip to the tanning salon going to result in me looking like a leather bag? Is my incessant snacking on all things chocolate and salty going to limit my wardrobe options in the future to moo-moos? Am I going to eventually start sweating Diet cherry Coke? When will Justin Bieber mature?!?

But right now, there is one thing I am sure of regarding the future: I am going to BYU!

Hooray.

At 4:00 on Wednesday my mom texted me telling me that the acceptance/denial letters were being sent out that day. I broke into a fit of ‘I-should-have’s’ (‘I should have been nicer in seminary’, ‘I should have been less frequent with flipping the bird’, ‘I should have revealed my always-enticing knees less!’). I felt like I was going to die!

My mom summoned the bearded one to distracting me. The whole evening was spent trying to ease my nerves by drinking mass amounts of chocolate shakes at The Hong Kong Cafe (you wouldn’t think they had such delicious chocolate shakes, but they do) and making unnecessary purchases at Hastings and Ross (isn’t everything at Ross sort of unnecessary?)(also, if you’re wondering, the purchase was a moo-moo…just in case). I felt like I was a pregnant lady just waiting for my water to break (sick). Except I could be having an actual human-child or an alien.

Finally, at 9:30, my water broke (sick). My sister charged into my room and announced that I had been accepted. My family quickly followed and offered various enthusiastic shouts and squeals.

Oddly, I wasn’t as excited as I thought I would be. I mean, I was. But I was so exhausted from being nervous and roaming the mall that I couldn’t express it properly. I was Christmas-day excited as well as Christmas-day exhausted.

But I’m accepted! And I’m going!

(Is it bad that every time I think about it I happily and creatively curse in my brain?)

P.S. I wonder if I prance around in my moo-moo real fancy-like Jimmer will stay another year?

I think so.

Only in Utah.