the front camera was the worst thing that ever happened to me. also, i'm a narcissist i guess?

so here's the skinny: i positively hate every picture of myself. have you seen that friends episode where chandler's smile becomes completely unnatural every time any one tries to take a picture? that's me. i suck in my nose, curl under my upper lip, and get these crazy eyes that make me look like a savage woman. no, but seriously.

however, i love the front camera. love it. due to my high fiber diet and the fact that i am three-fourths allergic to everything, i spend a lot of time in the bathroom. please, please; don't feel sorry for me! i've gotten used to it! i read blogs, play games (play me in scramble with friends?), and most importantly, take selfies.

and here is my stockpile (mind you, this is just since september...):

(i was trying to cheat the celebrity face matcher and look like hermoine granger here. fail.)

(the pepsi? my running shoes? the giant apple? i have an obsession for kissing things...?)

...i know, i know! your eyes have rolled so many times they are now in orbit. is that a thing? can that be a thing? i don't actually know what my obsession is. but it's out of control. intervention, please? or not?

no mas brain juice.

(i just found this picture in the dusty and ignored archives of my computer storage; what the heck was i doing?)

i'm out of brain juice these days, plumb out! i feel like my brain is working double-time simply to remember wait, why am i at the grocery store again? you know? at the end of the day, i am exhausted from the mundane details (and dance central three-- my muscular (read: big) thighs are really idyllic for dirty-dancing). 

but really funny stuff has been happening as of late. like, golden. jeff turned to me last night as we were watching up all night (i'll say it until i'm hoarse: jeff is chris brinkley) and said "we really should have a television show about us!" (i know, i know. we are so self-absorbed; but f'real! these past couple weeks have been funny (pronounced funn-ay, won't you kindly?).

for example... 

we had these neighbors who were, let's just say...morning people. if you know what i mean. do you know what i mean? (we have thin walls at our complex, THIN walls!) they are actually probably the nicest people but at this point, i don't think even the most impressive plate of cookies could have repaired our relationship. it was all just kind of awkward. ha. anyways, we were walking in from church a few weeks ago and all of a sudden a snowball gets hurled at our window and barely misses jeff's head. jeff's eyes got all wide and he quickly rushes inside and locks the door and whispers, "oh no! oh no! we can not open the door to that kind of snowball-fight relationship!" at first i was like what?! and then i nodded furiously in agreement; if that snowball-fight door is opened, what's next? bantering back and forth? doorbell ditching? or, heaven forbid, tickle fights?!

and...

i think i have been stealing from a food drive run through my work? like, i feel terrible.but there is no sign and the pile is sort of measly so i just thought that someone had some unwanted cans of food and thought 'hey! i'll lug all of these into work to share!' it really makes no sense, i know. perhaps it was just my severe case of the midday munchies that blinded me from the fact that it is a food drive. for the needy. because it's christmas time.  ...but yum, was that wild rice + chicken soup good. 

and also...

we teach sunday school. unfortunately. like, i like parts of it; having the spotlight for the hour! hand selecting the treats! the awkward silences filled with poor joke attempts! anyways, the thing about teaching sunday school is you should probably know what you are talking about? i had no idea. jeff leaned over to me the night before while i was scarfing down an omelet and informed me we were teaching in seven hours and we should probably get something ready? we taught about the scattering and gathering of israel...i think? i filled the time up by asking questions i didn't know the answers to really loudly (why do i get loud when i'm nervous?!) and raving about the treats i (...my mother...) made. it was an awkward hour. but we set the bar real low so we can only go up, right?

and on a completely unrelated note, tonight morgan, jeff + i hiked y-mountain (morgan had never done it before!) and rewarded ourselves with kfc. fun fact: their grilled chicken is actually quite delicious and oprah endorses it.

also the photobooth self portrait gave me a brilliant idea: i think i'm going to devote a post this week to all of the unpublished selfies i have taken? like, it's a laughable amount. 

thanksgiving-ing.

my body has this uncontrollable chemical reaction to winter where it decides to soften and sag. it's as if my body is conditioned to naturally gains ten pounds to keep me warm during the cold holiday season in idaho and utah. or perhaps it's that all i ever want to eat is bread? that could be it. but i'm not complaining! there's something comforting, endearing almost?, about a little squish here and there. mostly there.

but that's besides the point.

the point is that during my thanksgiving break in sunny southern california, i donned a swimsuit and sandals (oh, another side-effect of winter is heinous feet that even the most moisturizing lotion can't fix). i know! i wasn't psychologically prepared for this! i had mentally prepared myself to wear three layers, at least, for the next...seven months? but man, was it nice! like, i think we've been doing thanksgiving all wrong where i'm from all of these years. we've been missing out on shoving our untanned, unshaven, and unkempt silhouettes into one-pieces (or two-pieces, depending on your self-control with a bread-bowl) all of these years! the thought! ;)

and can we all cross our fingers that m(ustache)ovember will, in fact, end in november? please?

p.s. is that not the cutest baby? jeff's brother + his wife heidi have set the bar unnaturally high for child-expectations. all i can promise is that our child will have prominent eyebrows and short attention span. see?  doomed.

and for that, i am thankful (part 3!)

+ thanksgiving. i love this holiday...or maybe i just love a day made for sleeping, snacking, napping, and indulging? 

+ in-laws who conveniently live in beautiful southern california. and are kick-butt. (no, but seriously i lucked out! like, what if they were from north dakota or something? ...does anyone even live in north dakota?)

+ ...and not to brag, but we are experiencing some heavenly weather. i went running this morning in shorts and a tank top...let that marinate for a bit. 

+ ...and not to brag again, but their house is stocked full of fresh fruit and we have a television in our room loaded with e! and bravo.... hallelujah. 

+ food. i've finally came out of my food coma and am no longer filled with stomach-aching regret and can retrospectively appreciate our thanksgiving day spread. sweet potatoes topped with caramelized pecans? shoot. me. dead. oh, and i'm thankful for stretchy pants, too. 

+ my jeff and our little life we've got going on.
+ that i can kind of, sort of see the light at the end of the never-ending tunnel called statistics class (cross your fingers i pass...now seriously, please?). 

+ my new layout! isn't it cool? it's coming along quite nicely all thanks to maggie (complaining about your lack of html knowledge apparently pays off!). but mostly i'm thankful for maggie. she wins the nicest person ever award.

+ our sweet little apartment in provo-town (and how it's located right next to my friends!).

+ my family (and snapchat for helping me to miss them less) and the fact that i get to see them SOON! 

+ ...that we can now officially start preparing for the christmas season. who's out-of-their-mind excited?!

because he's always wanted to make out in the music-practice rooms...

 dear jeff: i love you, you modern day renaissance man.

life with you is one long serenade.

one occasionally off-key yet completely perfect serenade.

(p.s. i hope our offspring inherit your musical abilities--

if not they can just clap wildly alongside me.)

sweet, sweet june...

there's something about old people that just gets me. today at my first day with meals-on-wheels (look grandma reynolds! i'm doing something nice!) i think i had a handful of heart palpitations over the cuteness. i met with my trainer at the senior center this afternoon and was immediately greeted with a warm hello and the smell of perfectly portioned 600-calorie lunches (today they were serving fishsticks + potato wedges!). we hopped in her kia and started on our route.

vickie, that's her name, gave me a quick briefing of the elderly people on the route; "erma's kind of a hoarder, nellie will always try and feed you...don't accept..., kathy just got a pacemaker, and norma recently lost her husband."

oh.

when we arrived at the first house, the sweetest old lady answered and immediately told us all about the problems with her catheter. before we left, she gave us a plate of brownies and neighborhood comment and remarked how very loud my voice was...dangit...

the next old man was perfectly grumpy. he was blind in one eye and had a television bigger than my small blue camry. he explained to us that if he sat any closer to the television, he would be on the other side! 

but our last stop was my favorite. sweet, sweet june. june answered the door in a loud floral mumu and danced her way to the couch. she started telling us about her latest adventure: toaster ovens. she had picked one up at the thrift store that week and was just itching to cook something, anything, in it. 

"june, you are always so happy. why are you so happy?" vickie asked as june perched on the edge of the couch with a walker to her left. she had the biggest smile on her face.

"well, there's no other way to be, now is there? all you can really do is keeping moving, praying, and smiling. that's it." june replied.

she wished us a happy, happy thanksgiving and asked vickie to dance with her a bit before she left. june swayed side to side and laughed hysterically. 

sweet, sweet june! as vickie and i drove off we talked about getting old. 

"don't you just want to be a june?" vickie asked me.

.................................................

isn't that just the sweetest? i just want to be a june! wear a busy mumu unapologetically and exude happiness like sweet, sweet june.

p.s.  i secretly wanted to be at the midnight showing of twilight tonight. secretly. 

p.p.s. the said-hoarder really was a hoarder! it was crazy!  apparently she has a cat too. somewhere? 

p.p.p.s. happy happy day for my cousin sean! she's engaged!

on luke (must be said in a comically deep voice, please...)

i'm entirely neutral about the harry potter series but always go see the movies in theaters. partially because of the movie popcorn and partially because one time a boy told me i looked like hermione granger? (i don't buy in to it; i gloated to my friends about it and they all immediately assured me i look nothing like her -- let me have my hermione moment, will you?)

but i always remember the scene where harry is confronted with the grand staircase. do you remember that part? ...or was it even harry? anyways, the staircase moves and shifts to get you wherever you are going. and you do think i look kind of like hermione, don't you? (i texted my jack-friend to ask him if his opinions have changed and he said not a chance. poo!)

anyways, last night i was reading in luke in the new testament. oh, luke. i've always had such a crush on that name. my mom refuses to say the name in any other way than with a comically deep bark "luke," she bellows. "it must be said luke." oh? 

luke is one of my favorite books of the new testament (thus far), especially chapters 11 + 12. when i'm reading the bible (it can be so terribly confusing! women eating their children? talking donkeys? and don't get me started on king solomon and all his wives...!), i like to just coast. you know what i mean, though? just glaze over and thank you matthew, i will leave my net and follow! and you desire foreskins, saul? how very interesting? 

...to be inside my brain...

i'm convinced that luke is like the magical grand staircase in harry potter. last night, as i was reading and sort of, kind of skimming through oprah's favorite things and deciding i want to live my life in such a way that i can spend hundreds of dollars on scented candles and teensy succullents luke told me:

"brooke, shut your can up and stop being so darn materialistic and such!"

...well, no he didn't. is that sac-religious? but he basically did. 

luke actually said: 

"layeth up treasure for [you, brooke!] in heaven, ...a treasure in heavens that faileth not, where no theif approacheth...for where your treasure is, there will be your heart also." 

oh, luke? but haven't you seen oprah's favorite things this year, luke?

and then i got to thinking, what do i truly treasure? cable knit sweaters, soap sets, and thee cutest little gourmet pigs-in-a-blanket? i mean, what treasures are waiting up in heaven for me besides a few gold stars  (sometimes i hold the door open for people?)(oh! and today i patted an inconsolable stranger on the back and asked her if she was okay! ...she wasn't. um? what's step two?)?

crap, luke. you up and ruined my christmas list...

but don't you kind of see it, though?

...yeah, me neither.

and for that, i am thankful (pt. 2!)

+ my sweet, sweet jeff. he is seriously the most funniest and easy-going-est person in the whole universe. i was dreaming up some major plans for his birthday and a crazy surprise of sort but, alas, they all fell through. walmart lost my order (hurricane sandy...understandable), i burnt the breakfast sausage + pancakes, and we both had to study like mad people all day long. at the end of the day, i realized it didn't really matter-- jeff was so, so happy and grateful for the crunchy/crispy pancakes and birthday present that he had hand-picked himself the night before after my call from walmart. twenty three looks good on you already, jeff!

+ my dad coming into town. his visit was quick (we only saw him friday + saturday) but he left us with a fully stocked pantry, a new movie to add to the best-movie-we've-seen-in-november list (skyfall! see it.), a vow to stop eating out so much (...but i mean, my cubby's salad!), and little pieces of wisdom about life, love, and how to keep your butt warm at a football game.

+ at-home hair remedies. i tried an olive oil + honey hair treatment yesterday and my hair is singing this morning! i keep running my hands through it and flipping it around like some sort of crazy. at first, i must admit, that my hair just felt like i had put olive oil + honey in it, you know? it was sticky and oily and...olive-y (...my writing...what is happening?). and then! then! then it started to transform itself into this shiny mane of goodness.

+ that my nervous-laugh can sometimes, sort of pass as cute? we had to teach sunday school this last week and...oh heavens...i was quite unprepared. jeff loves that sort of stuff and was getting all biblical and metaphorical and such. i think he even paced the room a few times? meanwhile i stood nervously at the stand, gripping the pulpit so i wouldn't shake of nerves, and haphazardly taught about the spreading/gathering of israel. yeah, what? ha. luckily my mom had sent us a box brimming with cookies and brownies earlier that week so i passed them out to the class and reminded them that, if anything, i contributed the cookies. and what is israel again?

+ this snow! (besides when i'm walking to school, driving to work, or sloshing through parking lots...then, not so much) ...and warm socks, thick sweaters, and a space heater.

+ dance central, baby. jeff's parents/brother gifted us an xbox kinect and the game dance central for jeff's birthday. holy mama! my man can boogie! last night morgan, hanna, + avery came over for dinner and we wound up just watching jeff dance most of the time. as morgan said, "it's funny because he's actually kind of good?"
our kids will be blessed with the ability to pop, lock, + drop it. or at least i hope.

+ my job. i have kind of, really developed such a crush on it these past few weeks. i love the people i work with and the opportunity to write (even if it's just about vacuums or business-taxes!) every single day. and the fact that my co-workers are passively having a full-fledged bake-off doesn't hurt either ;).

+ ...and being able to stream friends, up all night, and real housewives during my long work days. this past week, i watched all the episodes of real housewives of miami and my editor-type-lady told me that she noticed some latin flair in my writing. ha. perfectly trashy!
 
+ my membership in the church of jesus christ of latter day saints. i had one of those this feels so right moments the other week. it wasn't during sacrament meeting or even on a sunday. it came slowly and quietly and overwhelmed me as i ran through the provo streets on a particularly cold night.

+ oh! and i'm also thankful for runs, no matter how slow i may go.

+ and! and for my body. weird, no? i often speak poorly and beat up on my body (holy bruise on my shins! appropriate-sized shin guards are just so lame!) and fill it with too much diet coke + peanut butter, but i am thankful for all that it can do. like run!

+ my staple lunch of an english muffin + laughing cow cheese wedge + shredded romaine and loooooots of sriacha, please. (i'm a creature of habit when it comes to lunches -- in high school, i ate beets almost every day an entire semester. my pee was constantly pinky-purple.)

+ novembers. and sundays, too.

p.s. i know my layout is...lacking at present. but last night i deleted all the formatting on a whim and was left with all this...white. and now i'm hopelessly and gloriously confused on how to make it pretty. any takers? 

shoot, where did the weekend go?

for jeff's birthday week we went to the lakers vs. jazz game and indulged in the whole experience...and by indulged, i mean $8.50 for a churro + regular soda, really? apparently the lakers are jeff's jam -- he made sure to remind me of that three times on the drive down, every time with a hand-on-the-knee and a good stare into the eyes. 

the halftime entertainment was my favorite. it was a small asian lady who rode a ten-foot tall unicycle and balanced bowls on her head. weird, right? everyone kept chanting more! more! more! and the unicyclist kept adding more bowls, every time ending with a smile and a prom queen wave. more! more! more! i was on the edge of my seat by the tenth bowl...and also feeling a bit self-conscious about my audible anxiety over this performance because most of the devout laker fans around me (why are they the scariest utah-ites?!) had left for the bathroom...could she balance it? what if she falls? why the heck did she decide this was her passion?!

...and....it...balanced! i loosened my grip on the seat in front of me and exhaled. i was so relieved for the tiny unicycler but could she have balanced eleven? 

this week sort of felt like the bowel-balancing-unicycler, sort of (i have a hard time committing to dessert choices, tv series, and similes, you should know). i felt like i was just trying to stay balanced and every one kept chanting more! more! more! 

as much as i felt like i was almost off-balance at all times, i loved this week and i wanted more, gosh dangit!

this week we went to sam hawk twice. and any week that starts off with a double-dip at a greasy korean restaurant has got to be good, am i right? we rung in jeff's birthday with family and friends, a lakers vs. jazz game, an election-watching snack fest (...i am so happy it is over! let's all return to being nice and talking about christmas?)(also jeff's dude lost; i should plan the election for a better date next time around? it put a real damper on birthday week ;), and the bourne legacy (too many chase scenes, not enough kissing). 

jeff is kind of the best birthday boy, even when both his teams lose.

then my dad came down to visit! my dad is the funniest...but also the wisest and most-intimidatingest (he remarked the he was over his hug-quota by four for the year as he was leaving, ha!), so it's actually the best combination and sometimes he reminds me a lot of jay pritchet? when he first got into town, i met him for the free continental breakfast at his hotel. i think that will remain the highlight of my semester (and i mean it!). it was so nice just to chat (...and get stocked on costco food!) this weekend and have full parental attention; isn't full parental attention the best though? 

and can we talk about this weather? sheesh. 

and now, on to monday. 

and for that, i am thankful (pt. one, or so i think?)

sometimes i feel like november is awfully overlooked. like rob kardashian, you know? sure, rob has a sock-line and yes, he is the only male kardashian left to carry on the name (actually, psyche: you know kimmy k. will never forfeit that alliteration)...but really, who is rob kardashian besides kim's sister? i mean really.

and how rude! for november... not for rob. i mean really? a sock line, rob? november is good for more than the promise of an encroaching christmas holiday, afterall. though there are only fourty nine more days. but who is counting?

which is why, november, i'm dedicating this to you.

and now, inspired by november: things i am thankful for, part one of...maybe one? maybe more?

+ my mother and sisters visiting town this past weekend and the you are on vacation so rules don't count, right? sonic runs every day.
+ it's birthday week in the stapleton house! so happy my jeffrey was born (...and that he has requested the greasiest and butteriest meals this whole week. i mean, if we have to?).
+ kicking off jeff's birthday week with  a meal of his choice. he is the white-trashiest so we had chicken crescents (cream cheese + chicken + butter + crescent rolls), frozen corn, and pineapple upside down cake. um, yum.
+ and while we are talking about food, you guys: sam hawk in provo. what? it's right by our house and is a total hole-in-the-wall but seriously, best korean food ever.
+ the most organized closet you ever did see. it was the best/worst idea but it's color-coded and everything. i know, right? 
+ being a diva and requesting yogurtland while everyone at in n' out. and also that everyone called me queen b for the night? (a diva is a female version of a hustler...)
+ new running shoes that are the perfect amount of squishy.
+ the annual (annual? annual!) mosman/stellmon pre-christmas-christmas party this past saturday!
+ jeff buying two pairs of pants this past weekend. jeff hates buying clothes and also has a bad habit of purging his closet every...week. this means he only had one pair of pants and boy, was i sick of looking at them. but this weekend, he bought TWO pairs. applause? applaud!
+ this beautiful weather. is anyone else crossing their fingers it stays?


you happy, november?